Benny & Ray 92

Leaving Las Vegas

 

 

 

Tony and I head down I-80, just west of Lincoln Nebraska on our way home.  Tony’s taking his turn at the wheel, and we’re listening to the best of Bruce Springsteen as I stare outside the window and watch miles and miles of wheat and corn and soybean fields roll and roll and roll on.  Neither one of us has spoken in the past hour.  It is one o’clock in the afternoon and the August sun is intense. 

 

I’ve got my window down just to get a break from the too-frigid AC.  The heat feels good. I push my hand into the air stream outside my window, tilt it back and let the force push my hand up and back. The wind whips my hair in my face.  That too feels good, somehow; I feel like a kid again. Pop took us to Vegas once, when I was seven.  All I really remember about that trip was the hotel pool, and the hours and hours and hours in the car, squeezed between Ray and Paul.  We were so hot that our sweaty skin clung to each other where our arms and legs touched.     Thirty-four years later and that’s what I remember.

 

Something about that distant memory makes me well up again.    

 

I think I’ve cried as much this week as I have my whole life.  Raphy is miles away from me now. I glance in the rear mirror as though I’ll catch a glimpse of him in the distance.  But he’s miles and miles away and I’ll only hear the sound of his voice for the next few months.  It’s strange.  When the boys were growing up and the house was bursting at the seams, I couldn’t wait for them to get older and get the hell out of the house.  Now that it’s happening, I just want to hold on to them, Raphy especially.  Raphy was always the sweetest.  While Pauly and David were so rough and tumble, always getting into scraps, Raphy liked to stay home with his books, and instead of roaming the neighborhood, Raphy liked to play in the back yard with Donny or Rosanna.  He was a lot like I imagined Ben was, as a kid.  Sensitive, empathetic.  I closed my eyes and pictured Raphy- Raphael, as the man he would be, thick and heavy with muscle, not thin and reedy as he was now.

 

Ma, Fran, and Aunt Marie Therese were looking after the kids while Tony and I got away with our son. It was nice, just the three of us for a few days.  So nice to be alone with Raphy.  He was my quietest kid.  He didn’t volunteer much information when the other kids were around to do the talking, but by himself and one-on-one, Raphy has so much to say.  He, Tony and I talked a lot on the way to Vegas, and I realized how much I liked Raphy as a person.  It’s like now that he’s going to be on his own, I’m seeing him in a different light altogether.  We like a lot of the same music, for starters.  Unlike a lot of kids his age, he likes music from the 60’s and 70’s, a lot of Springsteen, Clapton, Van Morrison, and Led Zeppelin.  Guess Tony and I rubbed off on him after all. 

 

Raphy is going to major in geosciences.  He was thinking he might want to become a geologist.  I think that’d be really nice.

 

So we arrived on Thursday afternoon, and got Raphy settled in on campus, in his little dorm room.  His roommate is from some little town in Wyoming and Las Vegas is his first big city experience.  His name’s Bill.  He seems shy, too, and a little overwhelmed.  I think the two of them will take care of each other.

 

We let Raphy spend his first night in the city in his dorm, and the next morning we picked him up and did the family thing for a couple of days.  Friday night, we even did Siegfried and Roy. I used to watch their specials on TV as a kid, so that was pretty exciting.  I went to a spa Sunday and then took in some shopping while Tony took Raphy to Circus Circus for some guy time.  He wasn’t much showing it, but I know Tony was a little choked up about Raphy leaving, too.  I think out of all his boys, Tony understood Raphy the least, but I know he loves and respects him anyhow;  he’s proud of his boy. 

 

When the kids were younger, we didn’t travel all that much, really because it was so many of us; we should have gotten our own bus like the Partridge family!  We drove down to Florida a couple of times to see Aunt Gigi, and every summer, we drove to Philly with as many kids as we could fit in the car to visit Tony’s dad and brother.  Mostly, though, we just stayed local.  Now, I wished I had taken the kids on more car trips to see the more of the country.  Now they were off doing their own thing.  I had three grown men out of the house already.  Donny was feeling a little weird, I think, being the only boy left. But he got along with his little sisters well enough; it’s just going to be an adjustment for him. 

 

I finally let the window up, having had enough of the heated air rushing by.  It got a lot quieter and I could hear Bruce again.  “Thunder Road.”  My favorite.

 

We stayed in Denver last night, high in the cool mountains and already that seemed liked years ago compared to the hot humid basin of Nebraska.   We still had another eight hours to go before we got back to Chicago. I’m dying to sleep in my own bed tonight.  I mean, the Bellagio was nice, but there’s nothing like your own bed.

 

It was going to be a whirlwind month.  I was going to need to hit the ground running as soon as I got up in the morning.   Marissa was starting pre-K at St.  Leo's right after Labor Day, so I had to get her registered.  I was ready for a Battle Royale with that little girl. We had already had a discussion about her starting school and Marissa told me in no uncertain terms that she was NOT going!   Ever.

 

I have to get all the kids their school clothes still.  Rosanna is easy, thank God, but Donny is a real pain in the ass to buy for.  He resents his mommy buying his clothes for him, but last year I’d given him the money to buy his own clothes and he’d returned from a day-long shopping trip with three Goth band T-shirts and a pair of jeans and some black combat boots, like this was really supposed to get him through the entire fall.  God only knows what he did with the rest of the money I gave him.  He suddenly got amnesia when I asked him.  So this year, mommy did the shopping.

 

I also had to help Fran with her final wedding plans, as her matron of honor.  Her shower is this coming Sunday and  I still have to put together a menu, get some table  centerpieces, order the cake, the balloons, plan the games, plan the bachelorette party…Oh my God, it’s making my head spin how much I have to do.  I just might have to take Louise Fischer up on her offer to help with the planning after all.  Maybe I could get her to pay for some of this stuff.  I mean, the Fischers are loaded—damn! 

 

We went to their house for July fourth and oh my God, the place was like out of a movie.  They also have a house in Lake Tahoe and one in Aspen, too.  (Well, la-de-da!)  Francesca really scored with this one.  But hey, she deserves it.  She’s put up with a lot of bullshit from bad guys in the past, so good for her. 

 

The Fischers were paying for the reception at Buckingham Fountain, and Mr. Fischer is paying for their honeymoon to Fiji.  So the Vecchio side had better come up with the rest of the moola, and make it good, otherwise we’d look like a bunch of poor townies with no class. 

 

Francesca’s already started the process of getting her name changed. She’s got it down pat now, she’s done it so much.  Francesca Fischer.  Had a nice ring to it.  I liked Damon a lot; he’s a sweet kid.  He really has his stuff together.  I hope this one sticks around. I really do. God knows Fran’s had her share of heartbreak. All we Vecchios have.  I had a whole string of bad eggs before Tony, and so did Ray, and so did Paul.  I think we all had to work past the bad example of a relationship our parents showed us.  None of us were left unscarred by that.   

 

I felt Tony’s big rough hand squeeze mine.  A little startled, I turned toward him. 

 

“You doin’ okay?”  He asked. The deep lines around his eyes creased as he flashed me an affectionate smile.  “You’re quiet.”

 

“Yeah,” I said.  I squeezed back. We smiled at each other, and I laced my fingers into his. It had been ages since we’ve held hands. 

 

“You ready to eat somethin’, babe?” Tony asked.  “I’m starvin’.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” I murmured.  “Anywhere you want to stop is fine with me.”  We press on, and I turn back to watch the plains roll by.