Benny & Ray 71

Promises

Dee Gilles

Rated     G                                             

Money, as usual as of late, was first and foremost on Ben Fraser’s mind as he made his way from the congested El stop to his and Ray’s St. Donatus Street apartment.  He tried to think of a nice gentle way to introduce the topic to Ray when he got home. Fact is, as tight as things were with neither he nor Ray bringing in full-time income, things were about to get tighter. Ben was going to need to cut Ray’s allowance.  It was not a conversation he looked forward to having. 

Ben carried with him a garment bag with his new CPD dress blues as well as a bag full of gear from Kale’s Uniforms.  He had just parted with another eleven hundred dollars and had had to dip into not only his and Ray’s savings to cover the expense, but also Pearson’s.  Ben silently apologized to the little husky for touching her nest egg, and vowed to restore it as soon as he could. 

Ben had been laying out a lot of cash as of late, but there was no avoiding it.  Police academy tuition was fifty five hundred dollars up front.  He’d already spent seventeen hundred on uniforms and gear prior to today.  Ray’s medical bills were coming due, and even at only twenty percent co-pay, the bills were in the thousands of dollars.

Ben didn’t mind so much for himself.  He’d never been one to need a lot of money to live on.  But he was worried about depriving Ray.

The sun sank low in the sky on his walk to St. Donatus Street, the sky gold-lit, the humid summer air a bit hazy.  Upon arrival at the front door, Ben slung the garment bag over his shoulder and fished for his keys.  He grabbed their mail and leafed through it.  Junk, junk, electric bill, bill from Radiology, bill from Nuclear Medicine, Ray’s car insurance bill.  Ben sighed. 

He walked up the steps gingerly, legs a bit sore from the intense academy training.  It’d had been a while since he’d had to be so physical on a daily basis; he had been exclusively a paper pusher at the consulate for the past three years.  Ben was feeling every day of his not-quite thirty-nine years of age right now. He trudged down the old marble-clad hallway, listening to his footfalls echo.  In the distance, he could hear some of the neighbors arguing, and a dog barking.

Ben squared his shoulders and put his worries behind him as he keyed open the locked door.  He was home with his husband now and nothing else really mattered.

The door opened to a darkened room.  Ben identified the music playing as “Stairway to Heaven”, a song Ray used to nurse himself through some of his more morose moments.  Ben grew alarmed.

He switched on the light, dropped his keys on the side table and stepped further into the room.  Ray was stretched out on the couch, and quickly covered his eyes at the sudden brightness.  Ben hurriedly hung the garment bag in the hall closet, and crossed back to Ray, toeing off his shoes as he went. 

He knelt at Ray’s side.  Ben placed his hand on Ray’s head, feeling the peach fuzz there, and kissed his mouth.  He immediately encountered the taste of a sweet, pungent liqueur. 

“What have you been drinking?” Ben asked with grave concern.

“Frangelico. I started off with some ‘Chocolate Squirrels”, Ray slurred, “then had a few ‘End of My Rope’s, now I’m just finishing up the bottle.” He produced a nearly empty bottle from beneath his left shoulder.  “You want some?”

Ben took the bottle from Ray’s weak grasp and carried it into the kitchen.  He dumped the remaining contents down the sink and rinsed.

In the meantime, “Stairway to Heaven” had finished and had started over.  Ben went back to kneeling next to Ray.

“Love, why are you drinking?” He gently asked.

“I’m drinking because I’m an alcoholic, Benny,” Ray said smugly.  “That’s what we do.”

“For what reason are you drinking, Ray?” Ben clarified.

“Darcy’s gone.” He said. His face crumbled in sudden pain.  “She died two days ago, and I didn’t even know it.  She died by herself.  All alone. It’s like no one cared.  But I cared, Benny. I cared.”

Oh no.  No.  Darcy was a good woman, a lively spirit that Ray had grown close to these past few months.  They both had.  She had made Ray’s chemo experience more bearable, and for that, Ben would always be grateful to her.  “Shhhh,” he soothed.  “It’s all right, Ray.  It’s all right.”

Ray sputtered into tears.  Ben scooped Ray into his arms, and rose with him.  He carried him into the bedroom, to comfort him.

VVVVVV

Ray had somehow managed to get himself roped into shopping for Elaine’s shower with Frannie.  Ray had driven them to Marshall Field’s. 

Ray carried Frannie’s purse as she rummaged through racks and racks of “the cutest clothes I’ve ever seen!” Frannie chattered on and on about the impending arrival of little Evan as Ray rolled his eyes. 

“So, you’re coming to the shower right?”  Fran asked.  “Cause it’s co-ed, you know.”

Ray snorted.  “Yeah, right.  I’m not hanging out with a bunch of ol’ hens all afternoon.  Me and Darcy’s going to Wrigley, anyways.” 

“Oh, so what?  You can go see the Cubbies lose any week.  Why don’t you come with me and Ben?”

“Cuz I don’t want to, and besides, I already promised Darcy.”

“You been spending a lot of time with that girl, you know?” Fran said as she pulled a tiny sailor outfit from the rack and perused it. “What gives?”

“I like her.”

Frannie fixed him with a look.  “You mean, you like her, or you ‘like her’ like her?”

“Nah, don’t get funny. I just like her, that’s all.  She’s cool.”

“She a dyke?”

“No, she ain’t a dyke!  What difference does it make?”

“Nothing.  I’m just asking.  Don’t get testy.” Frannie pulled out two T-shirts; one had an image of a truck on the front, and another a blue dinosaur. She also grabbed a pack of tiny white boots. 

“What are you gettin’ shoes for? He’s not going to be wearing shoes for ages!”

“I’m just being thoughtful and looking ahead, for Elaine’s sake.  Everyone always get newborn stuff, but what about down the road?  I’m getting her stuff he can wear from like now, through…kindergarten!”

“You know, you’re gettin’ into this a little too much.”

“Know something?” Fran asked as she grabbed two packs of onesies and bibs, and pointedly ignored his remark. “We’re going to need a cart. Would you mind?”

Rolling his eyes impatiently, Ray went to the floor entrance, and retrieved a small wheeled cart from near the escalator.  In the short time he was gone, Fran had grabbed a ski suit, tennis shoes, and a pair of denim overalls.

“How much money you spending on this kid anyway?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Frannie…this is not your kid.”

“Well, all of stuff isn’t just for Evan you know. It’s for little Paolino, too.”

“Who the hell’s Paolino?”

“Oh!  That’s what I call him.”  She dumped all her intended purchases into the small cart.

“That’s what you call who?!”

“Well, our kid, of course.  Mine, yours and Benton’s.”

“Oh, Frannie,” Ray said, sighing.

“What?”

“Don’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Get your hopes up like this.”

“But you promised!”

“No I didn’t!  I said when I was well again, I’d THINK ABOUT IT!”

“That’s not how I remember it.”

“Francesca! I did not promise you a baby!”  Ray shouted in panic.  Curious eyes all over the sales floor turned toward the siblings.

 He took her by the elbows, and whispered insistently.  “I did NOT promise you a baby!”

“But you’re going to be fine, Ray. You’re almost done with your chemo and–

“Doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods yet, Frannie.”

“How nice would it be for Marissa to have a little baby cousin she could play with?  And for Elaine and Ike’s baby to have a little friend to play with?  We could get them together for little play dates.  It’d be so fun.”

“Frannie, you gotta give me some more time.  I mean, what if I don’t get well?  It’d just be Benny raising a kid by himself.”

“And me; I’d still be its mother, you know.  And there’s Maria and Tony and Ma; we’ll all be there, no matter what.”  Fran began to stammer in that way she did when she got anxious or nervous.  “I-I-I mean, that is, if you don’t think. I mean, unless, you. You know.

“What?”

“I mean, unless you don’t think I’d be a good mother or something.  I-I-I mean, I know I’m not the smartest person in the world-

“It’s not like that.”

“Well, I’m not a little kid.” She impatiently pulled out of Ray’s grasp. “I’m thirty years old.  I own my own home. I’ve got a good stable job. I mean-

“Frannie, it’s not you I’m worried about.”

“What then?”

“It’s me okay?  I been having some doubts about things, lately.  What if I turn into Pop?”

“You won’t.”

“But what if I do?  Everybody says you parent the way you were parented, right?”

“You had two parents, you know. Why do you think you’d turn out like Pop? What if you turn out to be a parent like Ma?”

Ray looked at his sister, at her large hopeful eyes.  He impulsively reached out and hugged her.

“So, does this mean we’re gonna do this?” She asked.

He chuckled, and released her.  “I still ain’t makin’ promises, okay?”

VVVVVV

Ray and Ben, both in their black suits, surveyed the nearly-empty apartment, along with Martha Dawber. 

Martha was seeing to the disposal of her cousin’s things.  Goodwill was coming tomorrow morning for the good furniture and some clothing, some mementos would go back to Wisconsin with Martha, and what was left would be carted off by a junk removal service  Saturday morning.    

Martha said, “Not much left to show for fifty-two years of living, huh?”  They surveyed the tiny one-bedroom apartment. There were a few boxes piled in the living room, along with quite a few plants of all sizes, and some odds and ends, bits of flotsam from a life lived.  The carpets had been vacuumed, the walls scrubbed, waiting for the next tenant, Ray supposed. In of matter of days, it would be as though Darcy hadn’t existed at all, and to Ray, the thought was nearly unbearable. 

Ray felt his heart hammer in his chest at the thought as he did his best to shrug and casually say, “Where’d all her pictures go? Her paintings.”

“Gave them away to her students, mostly, kept a couple myself.  I’m sorry. Did you want…?”

Ray held up a hand.  “No.  I was just curious.  I’d hate to have seen them get thrown out, that’s all.”

The short, graying woman said, “No.  No chance of that.  She was too good of an artist for that.  That stuff oughta be in a museum someplace, actually.”

There was a long pregnant pause as the strangers searched for something to say.  Ben casually strolled over to the far wall, and gazed out the window at the misty gray day.

“Listen,” Martha continued abruptly, shattering the silence.  “She left you some things.  She wanted you to have her plants, and she left you something else.”  Ben turned back to look at them, curious. 

Martha stooped and retrieved an envelope from one of the boxes.  It was one of several.   The envelope was a plain white business sized one, unremarkable.  It was marked only “Ray Vecchio”.  Ray took the envelope, and felt its heft in his hand.  He wondered what it could be, but at the same time, he didn’t want to open it. 

Darcy’s cousin must have sensed Ray’s mood.  “You don’t need to open it here.  And please.  Take as many plants as you care to.”

Ben, who had been quiet after entering the apartment and greeting Martha, said.  “Would you like to keep some?”

“No, that’s alright.  Darcy was the one that had the green thumb.  Afraid I’d only kill them. Go ahead, really. Take all you like.  There must be dozens here. I’ll find good homes for the rest, I promise.” She gestured toward the potted plants, grouped together on the floor. 

Ray tucked the envelope into his suit jacket pocket and knelt.  “Which ones should I take, Benny? Something easy.  I don’t know the first thing about plants.”

“Those,” Ben said, pointing. “And those, and that.  And the Saintpaulia.”

“What?”

“The African violets.”  Ben came over and squatted next to Ray.

“Oh, here,” Martha said.  “Let me get you a coupla shopping bags.”

Ben helped Ray pick out and bag up two pothos plants, a jade, a heartleaf philodendron, three Spathiphyllum, and an Aglaonema. 

“These will actually live in the house, Benny?” Ray asked increduously.

“Oh yes, easily.  There are a couple of new plants here, but the rest look like they’re several years old.”

“Wow.  You can tell that?”

“Oh, yes, Ray.  It’s quite evident. I’d estimate the Crassula there to be well over twenty years old.”

“Mmmph,” Ray said. “Whadda ya know?” 

They packed up the plants with the assistance of Martha, and a few minutes later, Ben and Ray said goodbye.

Ray, after one final long look around the apartment, turned to go. He said a silent goodbye to his friend.

VVVVVV

Dear Ray. 

If you’re reading this, then that means I’m gone. I didn’t want you to know it was coming beforehand.  Please forgive me that I didn’t say a proper good-bye, but that would have hurt us both too badly.

 I don’t want you to be sad.  Everyone’s going to go, some of us sooner than others, and there’s nothing anybody can do about that. There’s nothing to dying, really.  Once you’re gone, you’re oblivious to everything, including pain and fear and anxiety.  I won’t miss those things.  But I’ll miss knowing you.  I’ll miss making you laugh. I’ll miss the sunrises. And  I’ll miss love.

I wanted you to know that I love you.  I can tell you this now, and not be embarrassed or embarrass you.  What’s the harm that you know now?  You have your happiness in Ben, and I always knew that; there was no reason for me to fess up and complicate your life. But I wanted you to know because I don’t think enough people in your life tell you that you are loved.

Thank you for being my friend, Ray.  Thank you for being with me. True friends are hard to come by, and I know that if things had turned out differently, we would have been together, in some fashion, for a long time.  Because you stick by a friend, Ray, through thick and thin. It’s what I admire about you the most.

Please find the enclosed tickets to the Bulls’ season opener.  I wish that you and I could have gone together.  Promise me you’ll take Ben with you.  Know, too, that I am there with you in spirit.

Give Ben all my love and affection.  Go make him laugh, will you? He’s awfully serious sometimes. Tell him the one about the priest, the rabbi, and the goat that walked into a bar.  I always kill with that one.

With greatest love and regard,

Your friend,

Darcy

Ray laughed and cried at the same time, reading the letter at the kitchen table.  The envelope had sat on the kitchen table for hours while Ray worked up the courage to finally open it and read it.

He reached into the envelope again and pulled out the pair of tickets, gently caressing, knowing her hands were the last to touch them.

Ray felt a hand on his shoulder, and then a kiss on his neck.  The warm hands massaged his tight shoulders and upper back for a moment. “Coming to bed, babe?” Ben asked.

“Yeah,” he said, wiping away his tears and pulling himself together.  Ben kissed his temple, and turned to walk to the bedroom.

“Hey, Benny?”

“Yes, Ray?” Ben paused in the doorway.

“Did I ever tell you the one about the priest, the rabbi and the goat that walked into a bar?”

“I don’t think so, Ray,” Ben said, smiling with anticipatiion and canting his head with curiosity. 

Ray arose from the kitchen table, and followed after his lover.

VVVVVV

“Sure I can’t hurt it, Benny?”

“It’s fine, Ray.  Just loosen the root ball a little more.  There.  That way, the roots will grow out, instead of in a circle.”

Ray loosened the thick mass of winding roots on the glossy green and gold pothos plant. 

The two of them sat at the kitchen table, which was covered in newspapers.  A bag of potting soil sat between them.  Ben had assisted Ray in repotting some of Darcy’s old plants into bigger pots.  Ben had shown him how to trim some of the thin leggy growth to encourage new leaves to fill in. 

Ben thought Ray looked like a child at his finger-painting, his face deadly serious, so earnest.  He handled the plants gingerly.

Ben reached for the next plant.  “Mmmph,” he commented, handling it.  “This looks new.”

“Really?”

“The growth is very dense, in a way that only a professional grower could get it.  It looks to have been treated with growth regulators.”

“You can tell that?”

“Oh yes, it’s quite evident.  Here’s one that’s been inside in low light conditions, and here’s the new one.  See the difference?” He placed them side-by-side.

“Oh yeah.”  Ray scratched his nose, smearing it with dark black potting soil.  Ben grinned. He thought Ray never looked more charming.  Ray removed and potted up a spath plant, intent of his task.  Ben split the thickly overgrown philodendron into two parts, and placed each of the halves into their own small clay pot.

“She knew she was dying,” Ray commented thoughtfully after a moment. 

“Yes,” Ben said, not quite following where Ray was going with this.

“She knew she was dying, and yet she bought a new plant.”

Ben smiled sadly.  “Yes, so it appears.”

The two men continued working quietly together, Ben offering a few words of encouragement to Ray every so often. After they were done repotting and grooming all the plants, Ben found spots for them around the apartment, adding to the large lush ficus trees that already adorned their windows.  Ben had found some inexpensive plants stands from The Home Depot, and the majority of the plants went in them. 

“Looks nice, Benny,” Ray said. “I think I like plants, now,” he said with a little note of wonder, standing in front of the large windows and admiring their handiwork.

Ben came up behind Ray and wrapped his arms around him.  He kissed the side of his face.  And moved to the other side.  Ray turned in his arms and kissed him back.  He gazed at his husband with intense green eyes.  “I’m the luckiest man in the world, you know?”

“No. I am,” Ben replied. He hugged Ray so hard, he squeaked.

They swayed together, for long moments, almost dancing to inaudible music.  Finally Ray said, “Hey.  Don’t think I forgot your birthday coming up.  Wanna celebrate on Sunday?” Ben’s birthday fell on a Monday this year.

“That’s fine,” Ben replied.

“What can I get you?”

“Ray, love, I don’t want anything.  Everything I need and want is here in my arms.”

“Come on. You must want something. Let’s go out on the town, at least. It’s been a while.”

“There’s no money, babe.  And I really don’t need anything.  Ray,” Ben sighed.  He finally withdrew from Ray’s embrace.  “Ray? We need to talk about the budget. We’re in a little trouble.”

“Awww, Benny!  Don’t go and spoil my good mood by talking about money right now.  It’ll keep.”

“I’m afraid it can’t, Ray.  You see—

Ray pulled Benny back to him, wrapping his arms around his waist.  He silenced him with a kiss. 

Ben pulled back a little. “But, Ray—

Ray kissed him again.

“Ray—

Ray kissed him once more, and walked Ben backwards until he had pushed him down to the couch.  Ray placed himself on top of his lover, and kissed him once more.

“Mmmm. Ray—

Ray delivered a soul kiss that made Benny moan from deep in his chest.  He pulled back, and waited.  No further protests issued from Ben’s lips, and Ray went to work.

He kissed his lover passionately, undoing buttons.  He kissed the neck, the collar bones, the broad chest. “And what about your other present?” Ray asked. Ben could hear the smile in his voice.

For their birthdays, each did for the other a sexual favor, something they normally didn’t do, whether it was a kink or fetish or fantasy. The other had the right to refuse, but so far, neither had.

“What can I do for you?” Ray asked, grinding down on Ben.

Ben looked at him and smiled. 

“What?”

“You’re going to think it’s silly.”

“So?”

Ben began to giggle, high pitched and nervous.  He looked away.

“Tell me.”

Ben shook his head.

“Tell me! Benny!”

 “You’ll  laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“You will.”

“Babe! Tell me!”  Ray cupped Ben’s face, gazed into his eyes, and said sincerely.  “I won’t laugh. I promise.”

Ben sighed.  “Well, it’s this,” he said.  He whispered something in Ray’s ear.

“Oh, really, Benny?” Ray’s eyebrows arched.

“Yes. And this.”  His whispered in Ray’s ear again, and pulled back, looking hopeful.

“We can do that, Benny.”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

Ray sat up.  “Benny, does this seem like I mind?”  He took Ben’s hand, and placed it over his groin, and squeezed.

“Oooohh,” Ben sighed, “what’s this?”

“Ah, Benny, I know it’s been a while, but surely you know a hard dick when you feel one.”

“That I do,” Ben said.  The two men continued to stroke together. Ray moaned as Ben took over rubbing him, sliding his palm up and down Ray’s growing erection.

“When would you like to do our thing, Ray?” Ben asked, grinning wickedly.

“Can we do it on Sunday? There are some things I need to buy, some arrangements to be made.” 

Ben pushed Ray back to the sofa.  He undid Ray’s slacks, and pulled out the hard, fully engorged cock.  He went to his knees on the floor. With a smile in his eyes, staring up at Ray, he licked the shaft from base to tip.

“Ooooh, Benny. Benny,” Ray said as his eyes closed in ecstasy.  “I missed this.”

Ben licked again from tip to base, pulled back, and yanked Ray’s pants off his narrow hips.  Ray’s cock happily bounced, spring-mounted.  Ben lowered his head.

“Hey.” Ray stopped him, holding his head.  “When the kid comes, we won’t be able to do this, you know.”

Ben looked at him, astonished.  “You mean?”

“Yes, I mean…yes.”

“Even if?”

“Even if. No matter what, babe.”  Ray leaned down and tenderly kissed his lover’s mouth.  “No matter what.”

Ben came up into Ray’s arms, an explosion of unexpected happiness. And Ray, for sheer happiness, laughed as he was enveloped.

FINIS