Benny & Ray 73

Therapy

 

 

“So.  How are you today?”

 

“Good.  Better than good, actually.”

 

“Better than good?”

 

“Fantastic! I had my final labs last Thursday.  Yesterday, I had an appointment with Dr. Taddeo, and she told me officially that I’m in remission now.”

 

“That IS fantastic news!  Congratulations. Tell me how it makes you feel, going into remission? Getting this all past you?”

 

“I feel…like a new person.  Like I have a second life. I feel…clean.”

 

“Clean?  Did you feel dirty, previously?”

 

“You could say that.”

 

“Elaborate on that, if you could.”

 

“I feel like over the past six months, all the stupid things that were getting me down, the bullshit, just… went away.  The only thing that mattered was my health, my family, Benny and our love.  That’s it.  Everything that really matters, I can count on one hand.  And now that I’m back to… the real me, that junk hasn’t come back.  I guess the chemo killed it.  I’m glad.  All that junk I was carrying around for so long…maybe that was what was killing me.”

 

“What do you perceive of as “the junk?”

 

“You know, doc.  All the junk we’ve been talking about for the last three months.”

 

“Recap it for me, please.”

 

“Well, for starters, my temper is a whole lot better.  I don’t let stupid things get to me as much anymore.  I’m not stressed. Course, not being on the job helps the stress a lot, but I think that even when I go back, it won’t be as bad.  But even at home, I can feel the difference.  Certain things I used to get irritated at Benny for, I just don’t do anymore.”

 

“Such as?”

 

“Well, like his rambling.  All the Inuit stories, which I swear he makes up anyways…and the Mountie stories, or long discourses about some stupid book he’s reading. I just let him talk. He just likes to talk to me, is all.  So I let him talk.”

 

“No skin off your nose, is it?”

 

“No.  No, it’s not.”

 

“How is your relationship with Ben going otherwise?”

 

“It’s good.  It’s real good.  In five months, we’ll have our five year anniversary.  We will have lasted longer than me and Angie.”

 

“You’ve been counting down.  It’s really the measuring stick, isn’t it? Your former marriage.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because…when I was married…I was…normal.”

 

“Interesting.  So, by exceeding the length of your previous marriage, it validates you and Ben’s relationship?”

 

“Yeah.  That’s it.  It validates it.”

 

“You are normal, by the way. Try to remember to judge your thoughts and actions not by what the majority of your peers perceive as standard behavior, but rather by  what is best for you, given your…predisposition and your circumstances.  The definition of ‘normal’ fluctuates from culture to culture and generation to generation. It’s relative and ever-shifting. Did you read the chapters from The Road Less Traveled that I outlined for you?”

 

“Not yet.  But I will soon.” 

 

“Make it a goal to read at least one chapter this afternoon.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“What other ‘junk’ are you feeling alleviated of these days?”

 

“Mmmm…I guess you could say that I just don’t feel so…bad about myself anymore.  I could have it a lot worse than I do.  A lot of people do.”

 

“What is the ‘it’ that could be worse?”

 

“A lot of things.  I had heard somewhere a few months ago that my friend Tommy bought himself a Mercedes, all black, with leather interior.  And that he sold his condo for a fortune and got some fancy place up River North.  I was dyin’.  I mean, Tommy and me grew up together, and now he’s some rich bastard.”

 

“You were envious?”

 

“Yeah. But then he took me out to lunch one day.  It was nice and all.  I mean, we hadn’t seen each other in a long time, so it was good to see him.”

 

“Ben doesn’t mind you seeing Tommy?”

 

“Well… we worked out a deal.  As long as Tommy and I get together in public, it’s okay by him.  It makes him a little nervous, but…he tries not to let me see that.  So, anyway, I was telling Tommy about Benny being in the police academy now, about retiring from the RCMP, and about us having a baby together, and he looked at me…kinda sad.  He kept staring at my wedding ring.”

 

“So he was envious of you?”

 

“Yeah.  Which made me feel kind of good.  Is that wrong?”

 

“It’s understandable.”

 

“You know.  Benny and I are pretty broke right now.  The bills are horrendous. But I went up to our apartment, and put my arms around him, and I told him ‘thank you for the life you’ve given me’. And ‘thank you for taking my bullshit.’ I’m awfully tough to take sometimes.”

 

“Most people are, for one reason or another.”

 

“Well, me especially.”

 

“Why do you see yourself as someone who needs to be tolerated?”

 

“Because I rub a lot of people the wrong way.”

 

“Deliberately or inadvertently?”

 

“Either.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because.”

 

….

 

“It’s just a habit, alright?”

 

“An old defense mechanism.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.”

 

“Mmph.  We’ve got some work to do there yet.  I’m going to work with you over the next few months to…break some self-destructive habits that are pretty firmly embedded.  But let’s table that for the moment.”

 

……

 

“So tell me.  Have you yet come to terms with the death of your friend Darcy?  Last time we met, you told me that you fell off the wagon because of it.  Have you been drinking since then?”

 

“No.  I had the worst hangover of my life for a full day after that. I puked my guts up all morning long…and the fact is, getting drunk didn’t do me a bit of good.  Darcy was still dead when I came out of it.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I’m so frustrated.  I just want to talk to her a little more.  I miss her. She made me laugh. Darcy deserved to live.  She should have lived, you know.”

 

“I’m afraid it’s not a question of deserving or not deserving anything.  Good people die, as do bad people.  It’s hard to accept. Death is a difficult concept. People think that the universe should be…just.  That if you’re good, you should be rewarded by living forever.  Or by living without pain and suffering. But the universe is blind, and that is a cruel fact of life.  This angers many people. They live a life full of terror and anxiety, railing against the universe, the gods, the Fates, as though it will make a drop of difference.”

 

“I can understand that.  Life makes you angry, sometimes, whatta you gonna do?”

 

……

 

“Have you seen the others from the chemo group since your last treatment?”

 

“I ran into Nurse Rocco the other day when I came by to see Dr. Taddeo. But the rest….it feels like too soon to go back and visit.  I’m not ready to be in that room again. Especially without Darc.”

 

“I think you should stop in.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I think it would do you some good to be in the company of some people who knew her too.  Did any of the group attend the service?”

 

“Rocco did.  He was her nurse the first go-round.  They were pals.  And Kenny was there, and Frederick. But the ones in chemo right now, no…the thing is, when you’re going through that, you don’t want to start thinking you’re next, so…”

 

“Avoidance.”

 

“Yeah. She wrote me a little good-bye note. She told me she loved me.”

 

“In what way?”

 

“In the romantic way.”

 

“And did you return those feelings?”

 

“No, I didn’t feel any romance toward her.  But I did love her.”

 

“Like a sister?”

 

“No.”

 

“Like what, then?”

 

“I don’t know.  I just loved her.  I loved who she was.”

 

“Who was she?”

 

“She was this…spirit.  She dressed funny.  She was loud and ballsy. She was a little mean sometimes. She smoked like a chimney.  She was scared.  She was talented.  She didn’t realize how well-liked she was.  There were so many people at her service- twenty years of students, old friends, co-workers… She never got that about herself.  That she was lovable.”

 

“Many of us don’t.  We prefer to focus on the negative.  Right?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“We all need to cut ourselves some slack. We don’t expect our friends to be perfect, and yet we expect ourselves to be perfect.”

 

“I’m with you there.”

 

……

 

“What else is going on, Ray?”

 

“So, I’m going back to work in a couple of weeks.”

 

“Wow!  So soon?”

 

“Well, I’m actually going to start training for a new job.  I got promoted to FTO.”

 

“Which is?”

 

“Field Training Officer.  I get to break the rookies in.”

 

“Sounds very rewarding! You excited?”

 

“Mmm….well, I was going for Sergeant, so I’m disappointed. I think somebody owed my lieutenant a favor, between you and me. So they handed me this little token promotion.”

 

“But this is a promotion?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Is the glass half full or half empty, Ray?”

 

“Yeah, I know, I know.  It’s half full.”

 

“What’s Ben think?”

 

“Haven’t told him yet.”

 

“Why not?

 

….

 

“You think he’ll be disappointed. Perhaps that your ‘little token promotion’ doesn’t measure up to some of his accomplishments.”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“You ought to know better than that.  He will be thrilled.  Tell him today, as soon as he gets home. I’m actually glad for the timing of this.  The two of you are embarking on new experiences at the same time.  You can support one another.  Any chance you could end up training Ben? That would be kind of funny.”

 

“They won’t allow that.  Non-fraternization policy. It’s pretty common knowledge we’re a couple.  We can’t work in the same area together.  I can’t train my nephew either.  He’s in the academy, too.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t know that.  This is becoming the family business, isn’t it? Whose influence is that?”

 

“A little of both of ours…and Dief’s.  Paulie actually wants to go into K-9 when he’s done with school.  Dief…he was Ben’s wolf.”

 

“Wolf!?”

 

“Well, half-wolf.  Paulie grew up around Dief.  The two of them were tight.  He was always sneaking him food. They had a special bond. And my second oldest nephew, David, is thinking about CPD too now.  He’s spent the past year working in a mail room downtown, and getting real sick of being a nobody. But…”

 

“What are your reservations about David?”

 

“I don’t want to discourage the kid, but I think he’s too soft for this kind of work.  Paul I don’t worry about, but this one?”

 

“Where do you see David excelling, then?”

 

“I don’t know.  But the thing is, he’s so much like his father.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, Tony’s a great guy and all, but…certain people ain’t good for certain things, that’s all.”

 

“Fair enough. Well, don’t be hesitant about expressing your concerns to him, gently.  You’re one of his role models, and you owe it to him to make sure he doesn’t go down the wrong path.  He’ll listen to you. But if he’s truly determined, he’ll go with his heart, anyway.”

 

“Could be a big mistake.”

 

“Or, it may not be.”

 

“Tough call.”

 

“Such is life. Will you accept it if he chooses this path, even if it turns out to be the wrong path?”

 

“He’s family.”

 

“That answer says a lot about you.”

 

“Yeah. I s’pose it does.”

 

“So.  We’ve talked about how the cancer experience has allowed you to focus on what’s important in your life.  So let’s do an exercise. If you had to rank them, Ray, what would you say are the top three priorities in your life?”

 

….

 

“Let me rephrase more specifically. First, who are the top three most important people in your life?”

 

“Oh, that’s easy. Benny.”

 

“And?”

 

“And my Ma.  Then, my little sis.”

 

“Francesca?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Why her? And not your older sister?”

 

“Cause I worry about Frannie more.  I have to look out for her. Maria can look after herself.”

 

“And what about your top three goals in life? What’s number one?”

 

“Oh. That’s tough. Let’s see.  Well, there’s our future baby.  Benny and I decided we want to have a baby.”

 

“Adoption or surrogate?”

 

“Frannie’s going to have it for us. It’s been her fantasy for like, ten years.  To have Benton Fraser’s baby.  And now she finally is, just not quite by the circumstances she imagined. Life’s funny.”

 

“So it is.  And I’m thrilled for you.  That’s very exciting news.”

 

“Yeah.  I’m pretty excited about it. Scared, too.”

 

“It’s a lot of responsibility.  It’s perfectly healthy and normal to be apprehensive. Tell me about priority number two.”

 

“Number two, I think, is to be with Benny until my last breath.”

 

“Very good. And three?”

 

“To travel the world, I think.  To travel the world with our family.”

 

“What would your answer have been if I had asked you, say, nine months ago, what your three most important things were? What were your goals?”

 

“Make more money.  Get promoted.  More sex, maybe?”

 

“What about five years ago, prior to your relationship with Ben?”

 

….

 

“Funny thing is, I don’t remember.”

 

“What was going on in your life? Think back for a moment.”

 

“I was a miserable SOB, I can tell you that.  Had been on the verge of losing my badge like, three times in the past two years.  I was…a mess. Welsh was on my ass all the time.”

 

….

 

“I guess I’d say that my goals were to not get kicked out of the force, get better at poker, get the latest Armani, maybe?”

 

“So you’ve evolved quite a bit in the past five years, wouldn’t you say?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Where do you see yourself in another five years?”

 

“Cancer-free. Hopefully with two kids.  In a house of our own.”

 

“Those sound like really good goals.”

 

“Yeah. I think so.”

 

“Tonight, I want you to reflect a little more about how far you’ve come in your life.  It’s an amazing thing. You’re amazing. Do you realize that?” 

 

“Aaaaah.”

 

“No.  Don’t take this lightly. Be proud of who you are.  I see many, many broken people all day long.  A lot of people who grew up the way you did are now abusers.  Either self-abusers, spouse or child abusers…have given in to drug dependencies, alcohol dependences. Some of them are truly lost souls.  But you. You’re a success story.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.”

 

“You’re a good man. Do you hear me?”

 

……

 

“You are good. I just need to convince you. Let’s do an exercise. I’m going to give you a little more homework.”

 

“Awww.  I’ve already got, like three chapters to read from that book.”

 

“This one is quick.  I want to write a list of affirmations.  I want you to tell me the ten things you like about yourself, and we’ll discuss them next week.”

 

“That’s going to be hard.”

 

“Make it a group effort, then.  Ask your sisters and mother, your brother-in-law.  Ben.  I don’t think they’ll find it that hard.”

 

…..

 

“Do I have to?”

 

……

 

“Alright, fine!”

 

“Why don’t we stop here, then?”  Next week, we’re going to go over your affirmations and those chapters from The Road Less Traveled, and I’m going to give you another book by that same author. It’s called Liberating Your Magnificence. And we’re going to be doing a lot of esteem building exercises.”

 

…..

 

“You’re not even comfortable thinking of yourself in a positive light, are you?”

 

“Not exactly.”

 

“Well…we’ll get you there. See you next time, then? And you’ll read those chapters, right?”

 

“Yeah, yeah.”

 

Jake Jacopo stood, and escorted his patient to the door.  “Arrivederci,” he said.

 

Ray smiled.  “Arrivederci.”   He let himself out, took the stairs down, and exited the building. 

 

It was hot and humid, but a bit of a cooling breeze stirred, ruffling the sleeves of his silk shirt.  Fourth of July was coming up soon. Perhaps he and Benny could get over to the dunes…come back in time to head over to Octavia, fire up the grill, and watch the fireworks. 

 

He lifted his head, smiling into the sun as he ambled down the street.  He’d walked to therapy today, and he was glad he did.  It felt good to walk.

 

He grinned to himself. Life was pretty damn sweet, and he was a good guy. Ray Vecchio slipped his hands into his pockets, slowed his pace, and whistled as he walked.