Benny & Ray 121

Journal

 

 

Saturday August 5

6 p.m.

 

Ray has Carie for the weekend, and I am lonely. Even Pearson and Dad are not enough to make me feel better.  Dad is in the living room at the moment, watching a Spanish soap opera on television.  I had inquired as to when he had acquired a working knowledge of the Spanish language, and he began to prattle on about having nothing at all to do while I went off to work and left him all alone during the day with nothing but time on his hands.  

 

I have left him to his own devices. 

 

Earlier, I took Pearson for a long walk to which she complained the entire time.  She desperately needs exercise.  She has a decidedly middle-age spread these days.  I have not been as vigilant as I usually am concerning her diet and exercise.

 

We walked down to Eckhart Park and back.  It may have been a little ill-advised, as it was 95 degrees this afternoon.  We were both “dog-tired” by the time we returned.

 

I took a long cool soak in the tub, and then hosed Pearson down in the shower too.  I scrubbed the bathroom, and the kitchen.  I scrubbed the kitchen floor with a good stiff brush on my hands and knees, and then cleaned the rest of the apartment.  I watered the plants.

 

I took a short nap.  I cooked.  I called Maggie and expressed my regrets that I would not be able to accept her wedding invitation.   She and Avery have set their wedding date as Saturday October 7, the weekend of Thanksgiving.  Unfortunately, neither finances nor time would allow me to make the trip.  I will be taking three classes this fall.  Classes start in two weeks.  Both Ray and Stanley think that I am suicidal, taking on so much, but I’d like to finish this degree as soon as I can.  My former classmates had long since graduated, and I feel left behind. If I apply myself, and take summer school classes, I will be able to finish next December.

 

I heard from my old friend Hugh Braum last week.  He called me out of the blue.  We had lost touch, as distant friends often do, quite a while back… perhaps two years, I think.  I do remember having told him about Carie’s birth, and I think we may have exchanged emails for a few months after, but I became too busy to maintain such a tenuous tie. 

 

He is now the director of a chapter of Habitat for Humanity, and his life is good.  He is happy, he said. Hugh has built a home in Quito, having decided to settle there permanently. He settled down because he found love, at last.  In Valentín Alverez.  Valentín was one of the men who helped us build the houses for the poor in Esmereldas back in 2003. They worked together once more, when Hugh returned to Ecuador.  They became friends. Their friendship evolved into something deeper. Now Hugh and Valentín have built a house of their own. I envied them.

 

Hugh asked if I was still with “that guy”.  I knew he had not forgotten Ray’s name.  I said I was, and things couldn’t be better.  He said he was surprised, that the two of us were so wrong for one another it was a miracle that we still were. 

 

I ended the phone call shortly after that.

 

Ray is upset with me now.  Yesterday, I watched him leave Dr. Taddeo’s. I followed him.    I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.  Ray tells me so little these days, has shut me out.  He despises me.  He cannot even bear to be near me— to look at me! 

 

He doubled back and ambushed me, pulling me into an alley.  He demanded I stop following him.  And I wanted to explain to him that I couldn’t do that, because stopping would mean death. I wanted to tell him that I still loved him, still dreamt of him, that I fantasized about him when I masturbated.  I wanted to say that some days I hated him for making me feel such misery. I wanted to tell him that I wanted us to be a couple again. I wanted to say “Just come home.  Come home and lay me down and fuck me!”   I wanted to say so many things to him, but I couldn’t.  I looked into his green eyes…his green eyes that are flecked with gold dust and I couldn’t find words. 

 

 

Wednesday August 9

1:15 a.m.

 

I have insomnia, yet again.  It happens so often lately, that I should be used to it by now.  But I can’t make the adjustment.  Like always, as soon as I woke up,  I put my hand out and felt the empty space beside me. I feel frustrated. Anxious. Afraid. Isolated, is what I feel.

 

Sometimes, I talk to Ma, or Francesca, occasionally Maria, about Ray and me.  I know they are worried. I know they are doing everything they can to be supportive, even though I can tell they are all frustrated with a lack of resolution or reconciliation. We are not making any progress.

 

 Stanley forced me to go out with him after we got done helping Doyle and Elaine with Nicky Catalano and we went to Dugan’s and had a few beers.  I had a night off since Ma was watching Carie.  Stanley told me tonight that he thought I was depressed, that I should see somebody about it.  He said he went through something similar after his divorce from Stella.

 

I was deeply touched by Stanley’s concern for me, but I didn’t want to talk to a stranger about this.  The person I wanted to confide in was Ray. He was the only one who had ever been able to comfort me.   When he left me, I lost not only my husband, but most importantly, my best friend.  I miss his reassuring presence.  When I am with Ray, I feel safe. I feel invincible.  Without him, I feel overwhelmed. 

 

This situation is all my fault. I accept full responsibility for the demise of our relationship.   Ray had slowly slipped  to the bottom of my list of priorities since Carie was born.  The thing is, I know better than that. But in my compulsiveness to just handle everything, I pushed him aside anyway.   I hurt him. I am so stupid. 

 

 

Friday August 11

7:10 p.m.

 

The scuttlebutt has finally been confirmed. We received the official announcement today that Captain Miller is in fact leaving us to accept a promotion.  Her last day is Friday, September 29.

 

The hot question of the day, now that this announcement has been made, is who her replacement will be.  I approached Lt. Welsh with the question that everybody wanted to know.  He told me that he had already turned the offer down.  I inquired as to why, and he stated that he was tired, and in fact he was considering retiring at the end of the year.

 

He said that he had been discussing the matter with his brother lately, and that the two of them were considering pooling their resources, retiring, and buying a small cabin in the woods.  Someplace near a pond or lake, or perhaps in the mountains. They’d even contemplated moving out of the Midwest altogether. They were looking at the cost of building a log cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina or Tennessee, as they had family in that area who raved about the region. He was in fact flying into Asheville North Carolina next week to explore the area further, and check out a few log homes.  Wherever they landed, The Lieu was looking forward to having a close relationship with his brother again.  Since their father had passed away last year, the siblings had put aside their rivalry and mended their acrimonious relationship.

 

Lt. Welsh said that he heard that several transfer candidates from the various precincts throughout the city were being looked at. 

 

I am reminded of the rapidity of change.  I cannot say that I feel any regret that Captain Miller is leaving, but I feel sadness wash over me when I consider a 27 without Lt. Harding Welsh.  The man has been like a father to me from the day that I arrived on his doorstep nearly a decade ago. 

 

7:17 p.m.

 

Dad was looking over my shoulder when I wrote that last bit, startling me.  He took umbrage to my calling another man my father, and we had a small skirmish. But I am amused by his jealousy.

 

I am exhausted since I have slept so poorly all week. I am working tomorrow. I volunteered to assist Elaine and Michael Doyle with a case backlog they are currently experiencing. Ray is working, also, but I will drop Carie off at 7:30 and he will keep her until he has to go in at noon. Maria will look after her until I can pick her up at 5:00.  Sunday, neither one of us is working.  After I get back from mass, I’m going to ask that Ma watch Carie for just a little while so I can check on Ray.  He told me he was spending the day with Stella Kowalski.  I’d like to see what they are up to.