Benny & Ray 85

Carie

 

Today is a day I have been dreading for several weeks.  I am returning to work.  Never in my life would I have thought that the day would come when I did not want to return to my policing duties, but my outlook on life has changed considerably since having Carie.

 

My little girl is amazing.  Over the summer I have watched her grow by leaps and bounds.  She is already rolling from her back on her own, can hold her own bottle while feeding, and sucks her own toes, a habit Ray has been doing his best to discourage. He seems to think she will develop the “dirty habit of putting things in her mouth, like her father”, but I assured him that toe-sucking was normal infant behavior and it by no means indicated any future predilections.

 

Carie has just passed her four month birthday, and I took her to see Dr. Abbott for a check-up yesterday. She is doing extremely well.  She is already nine point four pounds.  She was not happy at all to receive her immunization shots; she screamed so loudly and so long that I considered turning the car around and taking her back to the doctor’s office.  She finally quieted down, however, after I drove her around the city, taking her down Lakeshore Drive before turning the car back toward Little Italy.  We spent our last day together in the park after I took her home for a nap and lunch. 

 

I had taken to carrying her in a cloth carrier that I strapped to my chest, and so this is how I took her out for our walk to Arrigo Park with Pearson.  It is near summer solstice, and the sunshine yesterday was very intense.  I had put a tiny cap on her head to shade her eyes.  And so armed with diaper bag and book bag, we happily set out, we three.  As usual, I was stopped a dozen times by friends and strangers on the way to the park.  I was delighted to stop and chat with the various neighbors and acquaintances along the way.   However, we arrived much later than I anticipated.

 

Once we finally arrived there, I set us up with a blanket stretched out underneath a shady oak tree, and read to her.  Today’s selection was from A.A. Milne, “Now We Are Six”. Afterwards, I changed her and we had a snack- well, she had formula and Pearson and I scoffed down hotdogs from a vendor set up near the park’s perimeter. We later took a tour over to the statue of Christopher Columbus, and I gave her a running commentary on all the various architectural styles of buildings on our way home. It was a gift of a day.     

 

Now, I turned my head to check the alarm clock.  It was 5:30 and the apartment was silent.  Carie was sleeping through the night these days, only occasionally awaking me at four or five for an early morning feeding if she had only a small meal the night before.  If I was lucky, I’d have until six before I absolutely needed to rise and walk Pearson and then prepare for my eight a.m. shift.

 

I turned my head and glanced over at Ray, who slept peacefully on his side, turned away from me.  I could tell by his deep breathing that he was utterly exhausted.  He came in late last night.  I put Carie down at seven, and spent some time cleaning up afterwards, and had some spare time to write in my journal before awaiting Ray’s return. At nine-thirty, he still hadn’t arrived, and I finally took a quick shower and went to bed.  I read a chapter of “Silas Marner” while waiting up.  I finally couldn’t keep my eyes open and put the light out.  I hadn’t even heard him get into bed. 

 

Ray had been good enough to arrange that his Aunt Marie Therese would look after Carie several days a week as needed.  However, this was only a temporary arrangement.  Marie Therese would see her sixty-eight birthday this winter, so she feared that once Carie began toddling that she would not be able to keep up. 

 

Francesca would keep her on her off days, and of course Ray and I had her the rest of the week.  I couldn’t decide how I felt about her being passed around from person to person, but that was the reality of life in these modern times.

 

Still, I had agonized about leaving her for two weeks now.  I understood why Francesca had the complete emotional breakdown she had once she moved back to her own apartment after her maternity leave was over; I felt I was ready to do the same, and I wasn’t even moving across town like Francesca.

 

I never want to be apart from my baby.  I can't imagine it.  I wonder so often these days how my father was able to leave me for months at a time that way he did, and I wondered if he thought of me when he was out on patrol.  I wonder if he missed me. My daughter will never know her father's absence.

 

I have a birthday coming up in next week, and Ray has asked if I would like to leave Carie with Ma for the weekend so the two of us can get away.  He’d said he’d take me to Canada if I wanted, perhaps we could go camping along Lake Ontario, or any other activity I might like to do.  I actually declined; I’m not feeling comfortable with leaving Carie for a full two days, even if it is with Ray’s mother.  He then asked me if I might like Armando to visit my bed, that he happened to know that the cape was available for his use.  Again I declined.  I told Ray I would be fine with dinner and a movie.  I know he was disappointed, but he said nothing further, only asking me what movie I’d prefer to see.

 

With a sigh, I arose, moving slowly as to not jostle Ray.  I used the toilet, washed my hands and then went to prepare a bottle for Carie.   By the time I padded up to her crib, she was already awake, contentedly making gurgling noises to herself.  She grasped her right foot and stuck her toes in her mouth.  I then laughed at her and she pulled her toes out to laugh back.  “Ah gah!” she said.

 

“Ah gah,” I replied, beaming down at her.