Ben’s Journal

19 August

Wednesday 20: 25

I feel numb. A few days ago, my life was perfect, and now it’s all fallen apart. I know some of it is due to the society in which we live, but I think mostly this situation is due to Ray’s perception of reality.  I understand that a few individuals, for their own ignorant reasons, have a problem with Ray’s and my relationship, and others like ours, but such individuals are small-minded.  I refuse to give them credence and thereby make their opinions important.

I just wish Ray felt the same as I.  He’s embarrassed.  He ashamed.  Of being in love with me.  And that makes me feel just a little dirty.  I don’t think that I’m so bad, really.  Dief likes me. 

Valerie called me last night to tell me that Ray’s nose is broken.  Other than some bruises, he is otherwise unharmed.  The other man, Stanley Kowalski, threatened to file charges again Ray for assaulting an officer.  Ray threatened to charge him with a hate crime, and a personal civil suit, in return. Kowalski’ ex-wife Stella was able to mediate between the two of them, off the record, and got them both to agree to not file charges. 

I am sitting in one of the Adirondack chairs that Ray bought me as a “housewarming gift”, although he had gifted me with all the furniture in the apartment.  The other chair sits waiting for it’s usual occupant who will not be coming home tonight, and perhaps not tomorrow night.

I miss him.   Any other evening, we would be sitting out here, perhaps drinking lemonade, making plans to go bowling later, or to a baseball game.  Sometimes, we just sit and hold hands.  No one ever uses the back entry except for me, so I’ve come to think of the back porch as my personal area.  It is wonderful to sit outside and kiss Ray, feeling the warm summer sun on my face.

Ray is supposed to call me tonight, so Valerie said.  But I am getting the cold feeling that he will not.  I feel so isolated now. I feel so alone.  Maria stopped by for a little while, to check on news of Ray.  We sat and talked for a few minutes over iced tea.  Maria told me that I should talk to Frannie about all this, but I must say I really have no interest in making peace with that woman at the moment; she is the least of my problems.  I don’t understand why she has this malicious feeling toward Ray, to want to harm him the way that she did by exposing him. 

I will admit it is somewhat of a relief to have this all out in the open, though.  I just wish Ray was more comfortable with this.    I wish Ray would call.  I’d like to hear the sound of his voice.

20 August

Thursday 18:00

I didn’t go to work today.  I am using one of my remaining seventy-nine sick days. I didn’t sleep well last night, and compounded with the lack of sleep since Monday night, I couldn’t rise this morning.  I slept until noon after I phoned the inspector. Later, I walked over to Lakeshore Drive and staked out Valerie’s condominium for signs of Ray. I waited for nearly two hours before I spotted him emerging through the front lobby, wearing a new pair of sunglasses and a baseball hat.  He wore a pair of khakis, and sneakers. And my blue T-shirt.  I had slipped it into the overnight bag I packed for him, on impulse.  The shirt hung loosely on him. I’m glad he chose to wear it. Ray looked so good. He was the most appealing man I’d ever seen. 

I drank up the sight of him as he moved down the crowded street.  I followed him all the way to the Near Northside, before he disappeared into a medical office building.  It was a three story brick building, circa 1950.  There was a marquee posted in the front vestibule.  The doctors ranged from general practitioners to therapists to surgeons to ENT’s, so it was difficult to ascertain the purpose of Ray’s visit.    He remained in the building for thirty five minutes before exiting. He stopped at Philly’s Pizzeria for two slices. From across the street, I dialed his cell phone as he sat in a booth.  I watched him pull it off his belt clip and check  his caller ID.  He put the phone away, and it went into voicemail after the third ring.  I listened to his terse message just to hear the sound of voice.  And then I disconnected the line. I don’t know what I would have said if he had answered.

21 August

Friday 23:55.

Ray has not called, neither will he take my calls. I did not get out of bed today. I am so upset right now.  I am so upset. I am so upset. I am so upset. I am so upset. I am so upset.  I am so upset, I am so upset.

22 August

Saturday 23:10

I called Ray’s cell phone twelve times today and he never picked up. I went by Valerie’s condo, and Ray would not see me.  Valerie asked me to back off, to be patient.

 If Ray does not come back to me, I do not really see the point of living.

23 August

Sunday 13:00

Mother came over to see me this morning.  She told to get out of bed and get dressed to go to mass.  At first I refused.  After twenty minutes of arguing, I relented.  I prayed to God about Ray.

25 August

Tuesday 22:00

Ray is sleeping next to me!  He came home to me last night.  We were up all night making love; later, talking.

Around six yesterday evening, Dief began to bark and scratch at the door.  I crawled out of bed, snatched open the door, and there he was, still a bit purple around his left eye, with a full beard.  I can’t adequately describe the feeling that coursed through my body upon seeing him.  I made this noise, kind of a yelp of surprise, but more like keening.  Ray wrapped his arms around me, and he smelled so good that tears came to my eyes. My knees buckled and I stumbled. He let me pull him down with me, and he whispered over and over, “I’m sorry, Benny. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. This wasn’t your fault.  I was wrong to punish you. I love you.”

“Ray,” I had said. “Ray, Ray, Ray.” I couldn’t breathe.

 Ray took me to bed.