Benny & Ray 75

Five Years

Afternoon.  Pearson and I sat curled on the couch together, and I idly scratched her head as I dug into the Fitzgerald translation of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. 

I had spent the day alone, as well as last night.  Ray had taken his brother to Indiana to visit their Uncle Vincenzo and some cousins in Valparaiso and Gary and a boyhood friend in Terre Haute. 

Upon their return tonight, Paul and Ray were picking up Francesca and Maria, and the four of them were going to Scarpetti’s for a final dinner before Paul had to return to Boston in the morning. 

I will admit to feeling a twinge of hurt at being left out of the dinner event, but Ray had explained that not even Ma and Tony were allowed to join them; it was a chance for the siblings to reconnect to one another, and to strengthen their bond, especially with Paul, and I had to respect that.

Even so, I was feeling a little lonesome today.  I wondered at how I used to spend so much time alone prior to being with Ray.  The day passed slowly.  I went to the Y this morning for a swim, and then went to the firing range for target practice.  I came back and made myself some lunch and took Pearson on an extended walk, which she grumbled about the entire time.  I had restlessly turned on the television, flipped through the channels and found a Colombo movie, which I quickly became engrossed in.  I tried to imagine myself as a detective.

Although I had only been on my new patrol a few days, Lt. Welsh had already been in touch with me about coming to work for him at the 27^th as soon as my probationary period was over.  He and Captain Miller would ‘pull some strings’ for me to make it happen, it I wanted to.  That really had not been my intention when joining the force, as I was content with being a member of the Mounted, but becoming a detective was certainly something to consider.  I had learned a lot working with Ray all those years and all those years ago, so I don’t suppose it would be outside the realm of feasibility. 

That night after my conversation with the lieutenant, I had asked Ray over dinner what he thought about that, and he said with his casual mellowness of late, “What’s going to work best for the kids?” He had shrugged as he cut into the chicken I made for him.  “Benefits to both.  As a detective, your hours are more flexible but longer and unpredictable sometimes.  As a Patrol Officer, you have a more rigid schedule but with shorter hours. Six of one, half dozen of the other. Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”

Ray and I had already decided that I would be the one to stay home when our children were babies, and that I would stay home as long as we could afford.  We were going to start trying soon.  Francesca has been hounding us for months, and she wasn’t going to be put off anymore. Ray and I had wanted to wait until we were both on more stable financial ground. The cancer had really taken a financial wallop at us.

I sighed and tossed my book down when I realized I’d just read two pages and had no idea what I’d just read.  Pearson, startled from my sudden movement, looked up at me alarmingly when I stood.  “Don’t worry. We’re not going for another walk.”  We have spoiled Pearson, especially Ray.  I believe she thinks she is a princess. I’m surprised she does not expect to be carried everywhere.

So I stood in the middle of the living room, not sure why I’d gotten up.  I thought for a moment about what I wanted to do next.  What I really wanted was to see Ray, for him to be here with me, to fall into his arms and make love. I didn’t like that he was in another state, even if it was with his own brother.

I quickly felt shame for my selfish pettiness.  Of course Ray should be spending time with his brother.  They had a lot of lost time to make up for. 

I went into the bedroom, and threw myself on the bed and it groaned, bouncing.  Ray and I needed to get a new bed.  I could feel coils poking through the mattress.  It was rather an old mattress.  Ray had bought it after Angie divorced him and he moved back home, and he and I had given it a rigorous workout over these past five years.

Tomorrow marked our fifth anniversary as lovers. Tempus fugit!  The years had not lessened my yearning to be with Ray, my desire for him.  I glanced at the clock.  4:20. The brothers would be on their way back to Chicago by now.  Surely Ray wouldn’t mind if I called and interrupted his time with his brother for a quick phone call; I suddenly needed to hear his voice.   Sitting up, I reached for the phone.

VVVVVV

Thanksgiving had seen a packed house at the Morettis’.  Both Francesca and I had extended an invitation to Melissa, and she actually arrived early with Francesca and helped to prepare the pies with Ma.  Uncle Lorenzo, so elderly now he used a walker, had been retrieved from the home, and Uncle Antonio had flown in from New York.  Valerie’s sisters Rosalie and Chloe came over; we had not seen them since the funeral. Little Paul brought his girlfriend Stephanie.  David came with two of his apartment roommates who had no family in the area.  Aunt Gigi had flown in from Boca, and it was nice to see her.  It did not escape my notice when she and Paul snuck out into the backyard while dinner was being prepared, and shared a cigar. 

Elaine and Ike came to dinner also.    Their baby Evan was so beautiful.  The five-month-old had his mother’s complexion, and her eyes.  As the only infant in the house, he got passed around from person to person. I finally got to hold him for a short while once I could convince Francesca to give him up.  We sat in the relative quiet of the parlor. He was a warm, cooing little bundle that looked up at me with bright curious eyes as I gently rocked with him.  He smelled of sweetness and sour milk, his cotton one-piece soiled with a little formula. He looked so charming with a bit of dried sleep in the corner of his eyes, his sparse silky hair curling wildly.  I ran a finger along his scalp, touching the curls in wonder. He began to hiccup.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and smelled familiar cologne.  Ray leaned in and kissed my mouth.  “Do you know what I wish?” Ray asked.

“Mmm?”

“I wish that a year from now I will walk into this room and find you sitting here with our baby.”

“I like that wish, Ray.”

“Hey,” he whispered.

“Mmm?”

He captured my mouth in a kiss, and I opened to him.  Ray placed a hand on my cheek.  We heard someone clear her throat.

We parted and looked up to find Elaine beaming at us.  “I was just wondering where my baby had gotten to,” she said.

“Oh,” I said.  “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” She walked over and sat next to me.  Ray sat on the arm of the couch.  “So, I hear Evan might have a little play-friend soon.”  She looked to each of us expectantly.

“We hope,” Ray said.

“I think that’d be real nice.  Lucky kid.”

“Lucky us,” I remarked.  I handed over her child. Evan smiled at her, and she laughed joyously, cuddling him and covering his cheeks with kisses.

Elaine’s husband Ike stepped into the room.  “So this is where everybody went!  Ready to go, honey? I told my sister we’d be there for dessert in an hour.”

“Sure.  Just grab Evan’s bag, sweetie?”

Elaine and Ike said their goodbyes shortly after.

Ray, Paul and I stayed and helped Ma, Maria, Melissa, and Francesca clean the kitchen and put the house back in order.  We sat down as a family to watch the Marx Brothers’ Horse Feathers and Animal Crackers.  It was late in the evening by the time we left for home.

VVVVVV

The bed complained loudly as we bounced up and down.  I straddled Ray, facing away from him and thrusting down, taking his penis into my body again and again.  Ray grabbed me, pushing and rolling to the side, pushing my upper knee forward as he turned me into the bed.  He entered me again.  His penis felt like hot steel.  He pulled all the way out just so he could enter me once more.  He steadied himself by placing a hand between my shoulder blades.  His palm was slick.  He thrust into me, grunting softly while I stroked myself. 

“Yeah,” he whispered, picking up speed. “Come on, Benny. Come for me. Come on.”

I abruptly orgasmed with an involuntary cry, spilling into my own hand.  My spasms triggered Ray, who forcefully thrust before finally giving in to his climax, moaning loudly. 

Ray lay on top of me in an exhausted heap. “We gotta get that new bed, Benny.  That was loud.  I think we woke the neighbors with that one.”  He kissed the side of my neck.

“Mmmm,” I said.  I was exhausted, only moments from sleep.  “Soon.”  We had to wait until we got our tax refunds in the spring to make such a large purchase.

Ray reached for the moist wipes we kept in the nightstand, and cleaned us both off.  We settled down together, arranging the bed clothes around us.  Ray settled down with his head between my shoulder blades.  He delivered a final kiss there.

I still thought fretfully about money.  I worked over the problem in my head.

We were still playing catch-up on the medical bills, but thanks to the additional salary from Ray’s new position and mine, the crunch had lessoned.  I kept us on a tight budget to get the bills paid off as quickly as possible, nonetheless. I despised debt, and dreaded compound interest. 

Ray had allowed me to cut his allowance this summer with only a little complaining. And there had been no vacation in Yellowknife, nor any vacations anyplace else. We stayed home all summer, but did manage one camping trip which we both enjoyed immensely during the day.  At dusk however, Ray complained about the mosquitoes and chiggers so vehemently that we broke camp and drove home so Ray could sleep in his “bug-free” bed.

I had to withdraw from school this semester.  Upon acceptance to the academy, I had learned that a trainee could not attend another school also.  There was no money for tuition this year anyway.  I would have had to empty our savings account, and I was not about to do that for such a selfish purpose as finishing my degree; the money was ours, not mine alone.

We were able to get on a payment plan with the hospital for the balance that we owed.  Ray’s insurance paid only eighty percent of the bills, which still left us owing thousands.   We would have it paid off in the spring, at which time we agreed we would start saving for house and baby.

Baby… I wondered what my baby would look like, if she’d have my eyes, my father’s, Francesca’s…or maybe even Ray’s…

VVVVVV

I got up early and started a breakfast of omelets and hash browns.  Pearson sat at my feet and stared mournfully, whining piteously as I stirred and seasoned the potatoes.  Giving in, I dropped a bit of ham on the floor, which she quickly wolfed down.  She then smiled up at me, looking expectantly for more.  I sighed, knowing I had created a monster.

I heard light footsteps behind me.  Hands came around my waist, and soft kisses landed behind my ears. 

“Morning,” I said softly.

Ray continued to kiss behind my ears, along my nape, and on my shoulders as he pulled me into his body.

“What, you two didn’t get enough last night?” Paul asked.  “Geez, you woke me out of a good hard sleep.”

I felt a blush start as Ray pulled away.  “Sorry,” I said as Ray moved away.

“I’m gonna jump in the shower,” Paul remarked.

“What time do we need to be at the airport?” his brother asked.

“Nine-fifteen,” he replied.

Paul had emerged from the shower and dressed by the time I completed breakfast. The three of us enjoyed the morning sun streaming through the bare windows, as well as some light and pleasant conversation.  Paul made us promise to come back to Boston and see him.  We had never completed the trip we sought to make just before September 11.

I grabbed a shower right after breakfast.  Ray, who had taken his before breakfast, now joined in me in the bedroom for what appeared to be the express purpose of seeing me naked. I finished drying my still-damp skin and discarded the towel.

Ray watched me climb into underwear.  He climbed off the bed, grabbed them, and pushed them back down to my ankles.  I pulled them back up, and reached for and pulled on my undershirt.  Ray pulled the bottom of my undershirt up and over my head.

This childish behavior went on for quite a few minutes.  As soon as I donned any article of clothing, Ray playfully divested me of it, giggling.  He pushed me down on the bed and climbed on top of me. After a short half-hearted struggle to get out from under him, I happily gave in, and we spent a good deal of time making out.

Ray finally went down on me. I had the most wonderful orgasm, pillow stuffed over my head for silence.  I happily returned the favor shortly after. 

VVVVVV

I accompanied Ray while he dropped his brother off at Midway.  Pearson came along for the ride also.  The two of us sat in the back and listened to their animated conversation, both of them flailing their arms and gesticulating wildly.  They had never seemed so much alike.  I smiled.

Curbside, Paul hugged his brother, squeezing tightly.  And then, surprising me, Paul hugged me too.  He smiled at me, looking very much like Ray for a moment. He bent and gave Pearson a friendly rub on the muzzle.  And then he was off with a casual “Arrivederci” tossed over his shoulder.

We climbed back into the car.  Pearson remained in the back and I moved to the front.  “Well, kid,” Ray said.  “It’s just you and me, alone at last.”  He reached over and took my hand, twining his fingers with mine and moving our clasped hands to rest on his thigh.  “And can I say officially, ‘Happy Anniversary’.”

VVVVVV

Five years ago, Ray had said to me. "Remember this date. It’s going to be the anniversary we celebrate for the rest of our lives." And he promised me forever.*   

The morning after we first made love, I woke up first.  It was still dark, and the street lights on St. John’s Street shown through the tight cracks in the miniblind, creating a pattern of lines across Ray’s bare back. He was turned away from me, exposed to the hip, sprawled on his side of the bed. I remember how I gazed at his body with absolute wonder, and had put my hand on his back, just to touch his skin.  I touched him because I was entitled to touch him. He was mine.  It was liberation, a freedom that I had never experienced before, to lie there with another like that, in the dark, in the warm quiet. I ran my fingertips from his shoulder to the small of his back.

“That tickles, Benny,” Ray murmured.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize you were awake.”

“What time is it?”

“Six twenty-three.”

“I should get back to the house before everybody wakes up,” he whispered.  “You and Ma going to mass?”

“Yep.”

Ray turned to face me. “Want some company?”

“Sure!” 

He leaned forward and kissed my mouth.  “Can I tell you something?” he asked, propping himself on my chest on one elbow.  I could feel him gazing at me in the dark.

“Yes.”

“I love you, Benny. I really, really love you.”

“I love you, Ray.”

He put his head on my chest, directly over my heart.  I caressed the soft skin of his back for a few moments and he pushed himself against my right hip and he was hard and I murmured in surprise. 

Ray rose on his elbows, scooped his arms underneath my neck while he climbed atop me, and he kissed me.  His mouth was so hot. 

He pulled back after a few minutes. “You think we could come back here for a little while after mass?  We’ll have to go back home for supper, but…Benny, I wanna go all the way with you. Do you know what I mean?”  He ducked his head and kissed me again. 

“Yes.  I want that too.”

“We can drop Ma off and hit the Walgreen’s, then come back here for a few hours.  Think we can do that?”

“Yes, Ray.”

We began to move together, sliding over one another, panting, arms wrapping around one another. We rode each other to orgasm, rolling and winding and writhing together. 

Ray left me panting with satisfaction, spread eagle and naked, just as the sun rose.

VVVVVV

We sat quietly through the mass, speaking only to pray, moving only to genuflect. Perhaps there was a little guilt, sitting there in church, and with Ray’s mother between us knowing what we are about to do in a couple of hours.

I did feel guilty. But more than anything, I was unbearably excited.  Looking back, I think Ma must have known what we were up to that day.  She had in fact already risen by the time Ray made it home that morning; she knew he had spent the night with me.  And Ray had already told her that we were spending the afternoon together. 

We had been a little worried that she might invite us to the house for brunch, as she often did on Sunday mornings.  But instead, she let herself out of the car, and cheerfully said that she’d see us for dinner without a backwards glance.

A few minutes later, Ray pulled over to the curb in front of the Walgreen’s.  “Do you mind going in?” He asked.  He shifted so he could pull out his wallet, and handed me a twenty dollar bill.

I nodded.  “Be right back.”

VVVVVV

Ray was as gentle with me as he possibly could be, but it had still hurt quite a lot. 

Twice I asked him to stop, and he promptly did.  We were both sweating.  My hands were shaking.  We tried again, but I was too tense.  I became frustrated with myself, and cursed.

“Shhh…Benny.  Shhh.”  He embraced me, squeezing tightly.  “Let’s try something else.”  He applied a more lubricant to both of us.

Ray then rolled to flat on his back, and guided me to squat on top of him.  “This position is supposed to be the easiest for the first time.” 

He took his penis in one hand, and parted my flesh with the other. “Here,” he sighed.

We let gravity take over, and within moments, he was completely inside of me while I breathed wildly. 

“Yeah,” he cooed.  “Oh, Benny, you feel so good. Benny Benny Benny.”  I remained still while he reached out and stroked me back to full hardness.  Experimentally, I began to move on top of him.  I felt full, but it didn’t hurt.

Ray began to thrust, moaning.  “Ohhhh, oh oh oh.”  His eyes ecstatically closed.  He suddenly bucked up, and flipped me to my back, still inside of me.  He pushed firmly in once more.  “Is this okay?  Is this good?” 

I couldn’t say anything, because he had taken my breath away.  He seemed to understand my predicament.  He grabbed me by the back of my knees, pushing my thighs widely apart, and began to move.

A deep-seated pleasure began to course through my body as he rocked me.  I soon grabbed my own knees and held them open for him.  Hands free now, he shifted his body and changed the angle of his thrusting. He pushed into me powerfully.  I discovered that Ray was a lot stronger than he looked. 

Ray set me on fire.

The feeling just went on and on and on. And in those moments I felt such gratitude toward Ray…such love and passion and awe. On and on and on it went, and I never wanted to stop.  I cried for God, staring in rapturous agony into Ray’s bright green eyes, and wondered if God was there; Ray’s eyes were flecked with pure gold.  He looked and felt so divine and my spirit and my heart couldn’t contain it all and I exploded with a wail, connecting with something deeper in the universe that had nothing and everything to do with Ray.

My body went limp, spent. Ray exploded too, and his moan, immense and deep, vibrated through my body so strongly that I felt that I was inside of him, could feel his heart beating, his lungs drawing air, his blood coursing through his veins.

We lay there for long moments in awe of what we’d just done. 

Ray finally spoke, his voice muffled by the pillow his head was buried in.  “I’ll want this forever, Benny. Can you give me forever?”  He rose, balancing on my chest, and waited for answer.

I could only nod at first, feeling overwhelmed with those green-gold eyes gazing at me. "If you can give it, Ray," I finally said.

“I promise it to you,” he said.  He leaned in and kissed me, and I grabbed the back of his head to pull him in closer.

We stayed in bed all day, rising at the last possible moment, to shower and go to Ray’s house for Sunday dinner. 

Hours later I lay in bed again, alone, and fantasized of a life with Ray Vecchio.