On A Summer Breeze

I got to Benny’s late, around noon, after getting drafted for yard duty, trash duty, and babysitting duty for Team Vecchio this morning.  Sometimes it sucked to come from such a large family.  Sometimes, a guy just wanted to sleep in on a Saturday morning, get some rest.  Truth be told, I wasn’t as young as I used to be, meaning I needed my sleep to recover from some of the late night sessions Benny put me through.  Damn, but he really could give a guy a good workout. I think I actually pulled a hamstring or something the other night, trying to find Benny’s sweet spot, as we both hung half over the edge of the side of the bed, thrusting, almost completely upside down.

I pulled into the driveway and got out of the car.  I could feel the heat coming off the asphalt in waves.  Even though it was only mid May, it was scorching hot already.  Chicago summers for ya.  Benny and I were going to the beach.  Well, the local version of the beach anyway, Indiana Dunes.

I saw a bright pink and overstuffed canvas bag sitting on the couch when I entered the apartment without knocking.

The place was like a sauna.  “Jeez, how about a little air in here?”  I called out.

“All the windows are already open, Ray.” Benny called back.  I needed to get him an air conditioner, real soon.  If he thought we were going to be 'doing it' in the middle of July with no air conditioner, then he had another thought coming.

Benny emerged from the bedroom wearing a pair of faded blue swim trunks that came down to mid thigh, and an old CPD T-shirt I slept in sometimes.  It was snug on him, showing off his pecs.  He was in his bare feet.  He came toward me, arms extended.

He looked damned good, and I’m sure he had no idea.  I was going to spend the day fighting off the ladies.  And maybe a few guys, too. 

I grabbed him in a tight bear hug, squeezing with all my strength.  I hadn’t seen him since yesterday morning when I dropped him off at the Consulate. It had been one of those rare days where we both were too busy to see each other.  I inhaled him.  “Mmmm.  Sorry I’m so late. Whatchu been up to this morning?” I kissed him and let him go.

“I walked Dief, had breakfast with Mr. Hanrahan, and walked with him to the market to help carry his bags, and thoroughly cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, and went to the Thrift Store.  I didn’t have any swim trunks.” 

I made a face. “Ewww. Don’t tell me you’re wearing a used bathing suit that someone else’s nuts used to be in.”

“Okay.”

“And you’re bringing the girl-bag? Do you gotta bring the girl-bag, Benny?”

“It’s the largest bag I have.  And it’s not a girl-bag.  It’s just a bag that happens to be pink.”  Benny and I had gone to a yard sale last Saturday, and he insisted on buying the thing.  There was no dissuading him.  He had seen a similar bag at Marshall Fields for twenty dollars, and this one was only two.  There was no way Benton Fraser was passing up a deal when he really wanted something.  And he calls me cheap. 

I let the whole thing drop.  I’d learned during my years with Benny to pick my battles.   I went to pee and Benny went back to the bedroom to finish packing. “How’s ‘H’ doing, anyway?”  I called out to Benny in the next room.  H was the old guy that shared the first floor with Benny.  The guy loved Benny.  All the neighbors did.  I mean, who could blame them?

Benny’s neighbors were more normal than that last batch of freaks on West Racine.  I’d run into all of them at some point, at all hours of the day and night during the six months Benny had been living here.  I mean, I was practically living here myself, and I guess it’s Benny’s influence, but I knew all their names and what they did for a living. 

The Fu’s ran the Laundromat across the street.  They lived on the second floor along with Mr. Pianpiano.  His family came from the same town as Pop’s in Italy, San Benedetto del Tronto. He used to be an actor in the forties and fifties, and had lived there with his sister until she died a couple of years ago. 

On the third floor was Ms. Baez, a crunchy-granola-type singer, and Miss Jones, a young hot thing working her way through med school.  They were all nice people, and the good thing about them was that they were not always trying to get something out of Benny like those other mutants, freaks and hangers-on.

“You ready?”  I asked Benny once I flushed and came out.

“Yes.  Dief!  We’re leaving!”  Dief emerged from the bedroom, carrying a small canvas bag.

“Way to go, Dief! What’s he got?”  I had to chuckle at the sight of a wolf carrying a purse.

“An afternoon snack, Ray, and a food dish, a water bowl and some plastic bags for body waste.”

Benny crossed over to the couch and slipped his toes into a pair of rubber sandals and grabbed the large bag. 

“Benny,” I said.  “You know we’re only going for the day, right? We’re not making a weekend out of this.” 

“I know, Ray,” he said as he slung the bag over his shoulder. “I just want to be prepared.”

I crossed the room to stand in front of him and peer into the bag.  “Whadda ya got?”

“Towels, sunblock, a scientific journal and two books.  Some snacks, and sweat pants and windbreakers for us just in case it gets cold later.”  He looked so earnest, standing there in bare legs and naked feet. God damn, he was so sexy.  Everything about Benny Fraser was sexy, from that gorgeous hair of his, down to his thick and sturdy toes. 

Ben had told me two nights ago, while we were on a stakeout, that he had never been to the beach.  He’d been on a coast, in Alaska, and of course Runamukluk or wherever, but never to an actual beach, where you sit in a beach chair in the sun and sand, and nap the day away.  Now, I realized Indiana Dunes was technically not a beach beach, but it would have to do for the moment.  One of these days, I’ll get out to Boston again and see Paul, and I’ll take Benny with me to The Cape, and Nantucket.  Or maybe we’d go down to Miami instead.  I hadn’t attempted to go there since the Ian McDonald thing.

“Let’s go, kid,” I said.  “Frannie probably is just now realizing I ditched her, and she’s probably heading over here right now.”

“Oh, Ray.  I really wouldn’t have minded if she came along.”

“Yeah, well, I would have, Benny.”

“Maybe we should just tell her, Ray. It would solve that little problem nicely.”

“Yeah, and it’d cause much bigger problems.  Not a word, Benny. Not to anyone.”

Benny sighed.  “Understood,” he said softly.

We headed out without another word.  By the time we reached I-94, Benny still had not said a word to me, not so much as looked my way.  Oh well, he was going to have to stew.  We had already had this debate about ‘coming out’ before, and I wasn’t about to start it up again. I know what he was doing; the silent treatment.  Well, it wasn’t going to work on me.  Not this time.  I clicked on the radio.

VVVVVV

This was great, being out here on the open road with my Benny, windows down, sunroof open, radio on.  Reminded me of the first summer I was married to Angie, but this was better.  I was better.  I was older and wiser, and sure of myself with Benny where I hadn’t been with Ange.  I knew I’d never do or say anything stupid and blow it with Benny.  I knew that even if I did say or do something out of line that Benny would forgive me. That’s just who Benny was.  I smiled to myself, and reached out and took his hand. 

“You ever gonna talk to me again, buddy?”

Thankfully, he squeezed my hand back, but didn’t comment.

“Is there something I can do to make you feel better?”

“I’m all right, Ray.” 

I had the music on one of those retro stations, and they played a lot of songs from the sixties and seventies, my kind of music.  Benny, even though he was only three years younger than me, may as well have come from another universe, musically speaking.  His grandparents only allowed classical and show tunes in the house when he was growing up, so he really had no idea who Otis Redding was, didn’t know anything about Jimi Hendrix or Janice Joplin, and had definitely not heard of Wild Cherry, The Tramps, or War.  I had taken it upon myself to give him a few lessons in Music 101 these days.

To pass the time, I told Benny a couple of Inuit stories of my own.  I don’t know.  I just kind of rambled together a few anecdotes Benny has told me in the past, threw in a part or two from Chicago, and finished off with a Chinese proverb or two.  One of the stories was something about a wolf who chased after caribou, chickens, and milkduds who got sent to jail in pursuit of scented bait.

Stupid, but it got him howling with laughter.  That’s all I wanted to hear.

We finally got to Route 12.  I could smell the lake. The first strains of “Night Fever” started playing.  I hadn’t heard the song in a while, and just had to laugh as all the high school memories came flooding back. 

“What?” Benny asked me.

I just shook my head, wanting to stay in the moment.  I sang the chorus to him instead, “Then I get night fever, night fever …we know how to do it…Gimme that night fever, night fever, we know how to show it. Here I am …prayin’ for this moment to last, livin’ on the music so fine, borne on the wind, makin’ in mine…then I get night fever, night fever, we know how to do it. Gimme that night fever, night fever, we know how to show it…” I’m the world’s worst singer, but Benny doesn’t care.

“This was my song back in to day, Benny. I used to have hair back then, you know. I spent every morning of my senior year in front of the mirror, trying to get my hair just like Travolta’s. Did I ever show you my senior picture?”

“Well, indirectly, yes.  Carver had a copy of it.”         

“Oh, yeah.”  That asshole.  Wonder how he was getting along,  rotting in jail. There was one smart ass who would not be out tutoring students anytime soon. That asshole had tried to hurt my Benny.  I took Benny’s hand into my lap, and laced our fingers together, resting them on my thigh.

“I was such a punk back then, Benny.” I went on. “Me, my brother, and my friends used to sneak into the movies all the time.  We must have seen Saturday Night Fever about six weekends in a row.  Tommy DeBenedetto got us all fake IDs so we could get in all the nice discos downtown. They weren’t real tough to get into, back then.  As long as you paid the cover, they’d pretty much look the other way, anyway.  We’d hang out, drink, dance…maybe go to Tommy’s house and smoke a little weed afterwards. ”

“Raymond Vecchio! You were in possession of illegal substances?!” Benny pulled his hand out of mine.

“Oh Benny, lighten up! It was just stupid kid stuff! It’s not like I do it now. Not since I became a cop.  Anyway, sometimes we’d stay out all night.  There was always some place to go to when one place closed.  Every once in a while, one of us would score in one of those places…get lucky.”

“Get lucky in what way?”

“You know what I mean, Benny.”

“No. I don’t Ray. ‘Get lucky’ as in win the lottery?”

“I mean how I ‘get lucky’ whichyu. Like sex, I mean.”

“Ah.” I looked over at Benny’s profile and he had a slight scowl on his face.

“Hey look. I’m sorry, Benny. I should just keep my mouth shut. This must be a turn-off for you. I shouldn’t talk about stuff like this with you.”

“You don’t have to edit yourself, Ray. I want to know everything about you.  I want to see all the parts of you.”  He placed his hand back in mine.

I really did ‘get lucky’ with Benny.  “Benny, I love you. God.  You just don’t understand I love you so bad.”

“I know, Ray,” he said, softly.

By now, we had pulled into the parking lot of Central Beach.

VVVVVV

Benny insisted on putting me through a Marine hike before we staked our piece of ground on the beach.  I shouldn’t have been surprised.  He wanted to see everything first.  He dragged me through the dunes, the woods, to the water, and back.  He commented on everything that he saw.  When Benny gets excited, he starts talking fast, and boy, he was going a mile a minute. It was like, “Cottonwood, Ray! Aspen, Sandcherry!  And three species on Betula!  Wow! Dragonflies, Ray! Ray, Swallows!”  I’m not sure I’d seen the man so excited-well, with his clothes on, that is.

Benny drove us on and on until I didn’t think I could walk anymore.  My feet were beginning to hurt.  Flip flops were not meant for hiking.  Finally, I had to stop this.  “Hey Benny! Why are you doing this to me?”

“Doing what, Ray?”

“Look, we’re about half way back to Chicago by now.  I didn’t bring you here to look at the pretty flowers all day.  I just wanna spend some quiet time wichyu.  Can we do that?”

“Of course, Ray. Dief!”  Dief ran back to us from up ahead, and the three of us turned back toward Central Beach.

VVVVVV

Of course, with Benton Fraser, nothing was that simple.  We made one more stop on the way.  We stopped at the Heron Rookery, and stood and watched the last few birds of the season search for food, and take off and land.  Dief scouted ahead. 

Benny had an absent smile on his face that I had learned over the years was forced.  He had lapsed into silence again. His eyes tracked each heron as it landed or took flight.   I thought about his story of the Inuit hunters who looked for the heron to find the fish. I knew he was thinking of it too.   Benny’s eyes looked very blue today, very liquid. Benny’s left eye is a little lazy, but I thought it made him look all the more…endearing, as Ma would say.  He shifted his gaze from the sky and locked eyes with me.  I offered up a smile, and he returned it sadly. 

“Long way from Runamukluk, ay, Benny?”

“Tuktoyaktuk,” he absently corrected.

“Whatever.”  By now, it was an old joke with us.  “You, uh…you wanna talk about it?”

“Talk about what Ray?”

“Whatever it is that’s on your mind.”

“It’s nothing.  I just get a little…melancholy sometimes, Ray.  No particular reason.”

We resumed a slow stroll, past a couple of tree stumps cut down for seats.  “Can we stop and rest a minute?”

“Of course, Ray.”

“You’d tell me if there’s something I can do for you?”

He nodded, staring at the herons again.

Benny was wearing his hair a little longer these days.  I had asked him not to get it cut. It was so thick, I was envious.  But what I liked about it the most was that it was curly when wet and allowed to dry naturally.  Right now, it was looking very wind-whipped and sexily messy.  I loved to run my fingers through it in private, and I reached up now and tucked a few curls behind his ear. 

Benny looked over at me, surprised. 

I only said, “I’m always gonna take care of you, Benny. You know that?”

He nodded. Neither one of us said anything for a few minutes.

Presently, I said, “Ready?”

“Yep.”

We resumed our walk, picking up the pace to catch up with Dief.

VVVVVV

We hiked back to the car, grabbed our gear, and hit the beach.  The three of us had some lunch. Dief had his kibble and some bottled water, and Benny and I had sandwiches and potato salad that Ma had made for us.  Thanks to that long walk uphill both ways, I was starving.  Ma’s spicy mustard potato salad never tasted so good.

After lunch, we sat side by side, in matching chaise lounges.  Benny made us wait the requisite hour before hitting the water.  I immediately ran behind him and tackled him as soon as he got waist-deep in Lake Michigan. Once he came up, sputtering, he looked me straight in the eye.  My knees suddenly buckled, kicked out from under me.  Damn. Didn’t even see that coming.  Benton Fraser waited for me to get back up, laughed in my face, and pushed away from me, using my stomach to launch himself into a slow backstroke.  I followed him further out into the lake, using a crawl stroke.  We must have stayed out in that water for hours.

VVVVVV

Later, I was stretched out flat in my chaise lounge, sometimes staring into the deep blue sky, watching clouds move across the sky, sometimes dozing.  Ben was reading a book on the de Medici’s.  I glanced over to check on him. He looked like his normal Polly Anna self, so I ventured some conversation.

“You ever been to Italy, Benny?”

“I haven’t.  You?”

“A couple of times. When I was stationed in Germany.  Met up with one of Pop’s uncles, and some cousins in the country.  It’s beautiful there.  I loved the Mediterranean.  It’s no Dunes, but it’s all right.”

That got a smile out of Benny.

“I’d like to take you there, someday. Would you come?”

“Ray, I would love to go to Italy with you.” He flashed me a genuine smile. Nothing in the world like one of Benny’s smiles.

I wished I was alone with Benny right now. I wanted to kiss him something awful.  I felt a surge of hatred toward the world for making us have to hide this.  Man-woman couples all around us were pawing each other all over the place, practically fucking in broad daylight even though there were kids around, but I couldn’t even hold Benny’s hand.   

We talked sporadically through the afternoon.  Mostly, we were quiet.  Contrary to what most people thought about me, I enjoy being quiet sometimes.  It’s nice. Restful.  Benny switched to a different book. I listened to him turn the pages crisply as I kind of dozed.  The pages turned very frequently.  I was astounded by the number of books the man could go through, sometimes three or four a week if he was really determined.  And the books were on every subject you could imagine.  Made me understand why he seemed to know everything about everything. 

The sun was getting a little low in the sky when I turned to my side, toward Benny.  I found myself staring at him, really studying his face as he read.  His eyes suddenly met mine, completely focused on me.  It made me feel a little embarrassed to get caught staring for the second or third time today, even though it shouldn’t.  I mean, if anyone was entitled to stare, it was me.  Ben only smiled at me, his eyes sparkling.  “Hi, you,” he spoke softly.  “You’re awake.” 

I couldn’t say anything.  I had a lump in my throat suddenly.  Benny’s skin, reddened by the sun despite several applications of sunscreen, was glowing in the golden orange late afternoon sun. His curly hair made an angelic halo around his face. He continued to gaze steadily at me for a few seconds, letting me study his gray eyes, so infinite. Benny marked his place and lay his book aside.  He lowered the back of his beach chair so that he stretched out beside me.  It felt very intimate.

“Do you have any idea how gorgeous you are, Benny Vecchio?”

Benny said nothing.  For once, he didn’t pretend to take my question literally.

Dief had disappeared a while ago and hadn’t yet returned.  The last time I saw him, he was with two girls in thong bikinis, frisky and jumping, like he was a puppy again.  Benny never worried about Dief’s whereabouts.  The two of them always seemed to find each other, to meet up at the end of the day.  Somehow, he knew just when to show up. 

As Benny had predicted this morning, the afternoon got cool as the strong lakeshore breezes kicked in.  I gratefully shimmied into the sweatpants and windbreaker he had thought to pack for me.  We stayed until sunset.  We had to.  The sun’s rays glowing on the water were irresistible, shimmering and sparkling. 

True to form, Dief finally showed up, walking tiredly, tail wagging.  Ben got out his water dish and poured the rest of his bottled water from the cooler for Dief. He lapped it up like he hadn’t had a drink in days.

As the light faded, we stood together and shook the sand out of everything, packed our gear away, and headed out.  We were one of the last ones off the beach. We trudged back to the car and loaded up the trunk. 

Benny was about to climb in to the front seat when I stopped him.  “Benny. Get in back wit’ me for a few minutes,” I said.  I let Dief in the front.

“Why?” He asked, smiling slyly.

“Take a guess.”

Ben slipped into the back seat, lying back against the right-side door.

We had been lucky enough to find a parking spot under a bunch of trees, and the few cars left in the lot were nowhere near us. We had some privacy.  I put the keys in the ignition and closed the windows and sunroof. I turned on the radio and let it play softly.  Elton John’s “Your Song” was playing.  I removed my jacket before getting in the back seat with him.

I pulled Benny to lie down flat and then got on top of him. I finally did what I wanted to do for hours.  I looked into those eyes of his before kissing him.  If Benny had any inhibitions about this semi public make out session, he wasn’t showing it.  We did the grind together and pretty soon, we were both panting like we’d just finished the Boston Marathon.

 I removed his sweatpants and shifted to the side so I could get my hand down the front of his trunks.  Benny was oozing. I moaned into his mouth.

His skin was salty where I kissed him.  God, how I wished the hour drive was over already, and we were back at home so I could do everything I wanted to do to him, and hear him wail and moan and shutter in orgasm.  But that wasn’t going to happen right now, so I bit his neck instead, sucking deeply at the skin at the hollow of his throat.  

The opening notes to one of my favorite songs started, and knew in a flash how perfect it was for Benny, for us.   I softly sung to him as I felt him up:

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And its me you need to show

How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause we’re living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You’re the light in my deepest darkest hour
You’re my savior when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it’s me you need to show

How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

Somewhere between “I believe in you,” and “You’re my savior when I fall,” Benny began to cry.  I stopped singing and burst into tears because he was crying.  Here we were in the back seat of my car, bawling our eyes out like two chicks. But it was okay, because it was just the two of us.  Dief was never going to tell.

Benny and I lay together in the back seat, holding each other until it was pitch black outside.  Finally, we reluctantly rose from the back, still sniffling, pushed Dief to the middle of the front seat, and headed back to the bright lights and big city of Chicago.