Benny and Ray 24

Officer Fraser, CPD?*

I was watching the Bulls game on TV, kicking back on the couch, and Benny sat across me with his feet in my lap.  I massaged his right foot, intent on the game.  It had been a lazy day.  Blizzard outside—otherwise we’d be watching the game in person.  But instead, we got pizza delivered and stayed in.  Which I actually like, anyway. And so does Benny, usually.  Just not tonight.  He was in a rare mood, I’ll tell you. He had been restless since we got back from Florida.

Even after taking Dief for a walk in the snowstorm for about an hour, he still was antsy.  Like he had a case of cabin fever.  He kept squirming on the couch.  His itchiness was starting to get to me. 

And Benny’s nose was still peeling from our beach days.  He lay there now and picked at it.  Looked painful.  He pulled off a large piece of skin and tossed it.

“Ewww! Benny! Don’t be flicking skin at me! That’s gross!”

“I’m not!”

“Are, too!”

“Ray, I’m not anywhere near you.”

“Even so.  Stop doing that. That’s disgusting.”  I turned back to the game.  There was only six minutes left on the clock and the game was close.

Benny wasn’t into the game at all.  He picked up his U of C adult ed catalog from the side table, and starting thumbing through it, reviewing some dog-eared pages for about the tenth time today.  His other class had ended just before we took off for Florida, and he had decided a couple of days ago that he wanted to take another one this semester.  He’d have to register late.  Probably weren’t too many classes left, I told him, but he wanted to look into it.  So this morning, I’d given him my credit card so he could register over the phone.  I know he hadn’t made the call because he was still having trouble making up his mind.

 “Here’s a good one, Ray.  History of the English Language.  And another:  Settling North America.”  He grabbed a pen from the side table and made circles on the page.

“Benny, you know enough about both those topics to teach the class,” I said.

“Right you are, Ray.  I should go for something more challenging.  Perhaps Rhetorical Theories of Legal and Political Reasoning.  Or The Complex Problem of World Hunger.”

“Uh huh.”

“Or American History in Cinema?  Or A History of the Russian Czar?”

“Yep.”

“Ray, I’ve been thinking lately.  What do you think—

“Benny.  I’m trying to watch a game here.”

Benny took his feet from my lap, stood, and walked out of the room.  He went into our bedroom and shut the door without a word or a glance in my direction.

Okay, here we go. Nice job, Vecchio, I said to myself. Time to do some major kissing up.

I turned the TV off, and went into our bedroom right after Benny.

He had sprawled across our bed on his stomach, lying diagonal with his head at the foot of the bed.  His head was turned away from me. He did not even acknowledge me as I sat beside him.  I placed a hand on his back and began to firmly rub.  His back was stiff and unrelenting.  He wasn’t going to let me off easy.  I continued to work at him, making broad sweeps along his spine.  Finally the rigid tension in his back relaxed. “I’m sorry,” I said finally.  “I’m listening now.”

“I never went to college, Ray.”

“I know.”

“There wasn’t any money.”

“Yes.”

“I feel like I’ve missed out on something.”

“You wanna go to college, Benny?” I stretched out next to him, and he turned around, finally, to face me.

“Did you ever think about going, Ray?”

“You kiddin’? College would have been torture for me. I hated school. I could never focus. I wanted to drop out of high school in the eleventh grade, but the folks tag-teamed my ass.  First Ma would yell at me, then Pop would take over, then back to Ma again, then Pop would take over again, threaten me with bodily harm a few times, then Ma would take over again and guilt me into not bringing shame to the family by not finishing my basic education.  Ma even walked me to school a few times, to make sure I went.  You know how embarrassing that was for me?  Seventeen years old, and your Ma walks you to school?”

That got a small smile out of Benny. 

“So, what’s going on with you, kid?  Where’s all this coming from?”

“Ever since they split us up, things haven’t been the same. Ray, I’m bored with what I’m doing.  Or rather, what I’m not doing.” Benny sighed in frustration, and turned on his back.  I watched his perfect profile.  “I don’t do anything all day, Ray.  I’m supposed to be a police officer.  Inspector Thatcher treats me like her personal assistant, which I suppose, technically, I am, but I should be doing more police work.  Not planning cocktail parties and selling fundraiser tickets.”

“Well, what about that thing you helped Huey and Dewey with?  Doesn’t that count?”

“Yes, but it was so simple.  I don’t even think they needed my help with that one.  I think they were just humoring me. I mean, it was so obvious that they were hiding bodies underneath other bodies in caskets.  I felt a little patronized, to be perfectly honest with you.”

“See, now that’s what I love about you.  The most obvious things to you would never occur to normal people.”

“I’m normal, Ray.”

“Benny.  You are a lot of things. But normal, you ain’t. And I don’t mean it in a bad way.” 

Benny shifted again to face me once more.  I’d never seem him so squirmy before.   

“Ray.  What would you think if I told you I wanted to go to the U of C full time in the fall?”

“You sure about this, Benny? This is a big investment of your time, not to mention money. ”

“Well, the RCMP will reimburse me tuition for some classes, plus I have a little money from Dad, and the rest….well, I’ll manage. The thing of it is, Ray, is that I’ve been thinking about the future lately, too. I’m realizing how much life I have ahead of me, and wondering if there’s something more I can accomplish in my lifetime.  The twenty-first of this month will mark my eighteenth anniversary in the RCMP.”

“Wow.”

“We had our monthly conference call yesterday. We have a new Commissioner.  It’s Jack MacCauley.”

“So?”

“He and I were in the same recruiting class.”

“Well, Benny… I’ve never heard you once say you had any kind of aspirations to climb the ladder.  I thought you were happy with your career.”

“You’re right.  I’ve never wanted to move up the ranks, really.  It’s just.  It’s just that I feel that I should have achieved some kind of…growth.”

“I had no idea you felt this way.  I’ve never heard you talk like this, Benny. Come’ere.”  I put my arm around him and pulled him to me.  “If you want to go to school, we’ll get you in school,” I said.

“Really?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, Benny, sure. I can knock off a little early and take you to the admissions office, if you want.  Check things out. See how much it’s going to set us back.”

“Oh…no.  You wouldn’t be….I’m not asking you to—

“Benny!  Don’t argue with me! My money is yours.”

“But Ray!”

“Benny! Just say ‘thanks’ and shut your mouth, please.”

“Thanks, Ray.” Benny took my hand, lacing his fingers between mine.  We lay together for a long time.  It seemed like Benny’s restlessness had finally calmed.  I shut my eyes, starting to drowse.  As sleep pulled me down, I told myself that we shouldn’t be falling asleep like this, on top of the covers, fully dressed and with all the lights on.  But I was feeling too comfortable to move.

Benny drew a deep breath, and whispered to me.  “You know, I didn’t even become a Mountie for me,” he said softly.  “I did it for my father.  And my father isn’t even here anymore to see me.”

I opened my eyes and squeezed his hand still in mine.  “I miss my dad, Ray.” He said like a revelation.

“I know you do, buddy.”

“Ray.” 

“Yeah?”

“If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell a soul?”

“I promise.”

“I used to see my father, Ray.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I used to see him.  After he died.  I used to have whole conversations with him.”

I kind of always thought that, but I’d never wanted to say anything.  I mean, I didn’t want to deal with the fact that maybe Benny was crazy.  There were a few times where I did catch him talking to somebody that wasn’t there. I just took it as Benny being Benny, and didn’t try to think about it too much.

“Benny, when we crashed in the plane up north, he was there, wasn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“And during the shootout with Gerard and the ATF?”

“Yes.”

“And when else?”

“He was on the train with us during the Bolt situation. And there were other times.”

Wow.  “When was the last time?” I asked.

“When were sitting in the car after the Guy Rankin thing, you kissed me. He was there in the back seat.”

“Oh, dear,” I said. “He got an eyeful.”

“I closed my eyes when we kissed.  And when I opened them again, he was gone.  And that was the last time.  I think we scared him off.”

I leaned forward and kissed Benny.  He melted into me. 

I held his eyes when I drew back. His beautiful gray eyes. “I just think he saw that you had someone to love, and that he could let you go now.  Don’t you think?”

Benny smiled sadly.  “Perhaps you’re right, Ray.  But I do still miss him.  I’ve been dreaming about him, and Mum, a lot lately.  My mother keeps trying to tell me something, but I can’t hear her.  I always wake up when she comes close enough to be heard. I don’t know what it all means.”

“Sometimes, Benny, dreams don’t mean anything.”  I crawled on top of him, lying flat. I rested my head on his shoulder and feel his heart hammering in his chest.  His body was firm and as hot as any electric blanket on this cold night.  “Benny,” I said, preparing to ask a question that I’m not sure I wanted to know the answer to.  “Are you happy wit’ me?”

Benny drew in a breath; I gently rode his body as his chest and belly shifted.  When he spoke, his voice vibrated through my chest. “Of course, I am Ray.  I have never been so happy in all my life.  You must know that.”

“Then, you’re not planning on going back to Canada? You’d tell me if you were?”

“Ray, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Then why won’t you get your U.S. citizenship?  It’s not like you’d have to give up your Canadian. I keep asking you, and you keep blowing me off. Are you afraid of something?”

“No! No.  Of course not. It’s only that—

“Yeah?”

“It’s because—

Benny sighed in frustration.

“Exactly,” I said.  “Let me ask you something.  Do you remember that mounted cop that you and Buck were talking to that time?  The short guy with the mustache?  Named Ivan something, I think it was.”

“Ivan Melanevskya, yes.  He was gracious enough to let me ride Gorbachev. And Buck rode Yeltsin.”

“Yeah, well, I ran into him the other day.  He was asking about you.  Mentioned they’d love to have somebody like you on the force.  A couple of guys have retired, and most of these city kids coming up don’t have any interest in riding horses, so they’re awfully short-staffed these days.  He said he’d help you get in if you ever wanted to.  But one requirement of being CPD is that you gotta be a U.S. citizen, Benny. And the CPD has tuition reimbursement, too, you know.”

“Ray…I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know? You just said you were tired of being stuck in an office all day or  doing errands for the Dragon Lady.”

I rolled with Benny’s body as his chest heaved in a deep sigh. He blew up a frustrated breath and shifted underneath me. 

I wasn’t going to put off anymore by him. “I’d like you to get your citizenship.  You’ve been here for over four years, Benny.    I want to feel like you’re planning on staying.  I have laid down my whole life at your feet.  And I’m asking you to commit here, Benny. Can you do this for me?”

Benny giggled. Actually giggled.  Well, this was interesting.  I’d expected a lot of different reactions, but giggling? No.  I can’t believe he was laughing at me.  I rolled off of him, and sat up, staring down at him.

Benny’s eyes were full of tears.

God.  Oh my God. 

I yanked on him, pulling him up into a seated position. I hugged him to me, tight, and rocked him as he wept.  “I’m sorry!” I said.  “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset, Ray.”

“No?”

“No.”  Benny pulled away from me, pulling himself together.  “Do you think the Leftenent will give you Monday off on short notice?”  He wiped his eyes with one sleeve and his nose with the other.

“Why? It won’t take that long to go down to the college and get what we need.”

“Yes, sure, that should be quick, but I hear the lines at INS can be quite lengthy. We’ll probably have to be there the rest of the afternoon.”

“I think the Lieu and Doyle can get on without me for a day.”  I reached for Benny, and pulled the now-soggy shirt over his head.  “Get rid of this,” I said, throwing it on the floor.  I pushed him down on the bed, and reached for the waist band of his red RCMP sweats. Benny lifted his hips cooperatively, smiling his Mona Lisa smile.