Benny & Ray 110

The Note

Dee Gilles

Rated PG-13

Ray sat on the couch in front of the TV.  Pearson, by his side occasionally snuffled his leg.  “Saturday Night Fever” droned on in the background. He had stopped paying attention to the movie a long time ago, but he let the old videocassette play on.  He thought idly that he should really look for the movie on DVD sometime.  The only reason he still hung on to the old VCR was to watch this movie and a couple of others he only had on tape.

He poured himself a shot of Cutty Sark.

Yeah, yeah.  He knew he was off the wagon again.  So what? There was nobody around to care, anyways.

Last time he’d gone on a tear and Francesca had ratted him out, Benny let him have it for what felt like hours.  It was worst than being lectured to by Ma.  Ray felt like the lowest life-form on the planet once Benny was through with him.  He had tearfully promised Benny to never, ever drink again.  But he wasn’t going to be around Benny soon enough, he’d decided. 

He was moving back home.

Ray poured himself another shot, and tossed it down. The liquid burned in his stomach, but it felt good.  It calmed the agitation of his brain.

They’d had a good long run, his Benny and he.  Probably much longer than somebody like him even deserved.  Somewhere, deep inside his soul and clinging like a barnacle, was this idea that Benny was too good for him anyway.  Benny deserved better and could get better, any day of the week. 

Ray poured himself another shot and violently tossed it back.  His eyes welled up and he angrily wiped away a tear.  Pearson stared at him, her chin on his knee.  “What are you lookin’ at?” he growled at the dog. The Husky whined.

With another shot, Ray steeled his resolve. He would call Benny tonight. Tell him to stay in Canada.  No.  There was Carie, too.  He wanted Carie here with him, with the family. And he wanted Benny to come back, too. He was so confused. He grabbed the phone from the side table. Tossed it away again. Shit! Maybe he should tell Benny to keep Carie in Canada after all. It was safer, cleaner.  She’d grow up nicer.

He’d miss Benny and Carie both. But they’d both be better off without the likes of him around. Everything Pop had ever told him about himself was true.  He was a fuck-up. He was a loser.

Ray sniffled.  He reached for the bottle again, poured another shot.

Ray grabbed the phone again.  He should call.  No, he shouldn’t.  He should.

He made the call.

Benny picked up on the second ring.  God, Benny sounded so….hopeful?

 “Hello, Ray?” He said.

“Hey, Benny, how's the vacation going?”  He did his best to keep his tone light.

“It's everything a former Mountie could ask for, Ray,” came Benny’s distant voice from eighteen hundred miles away.   There was a little static in the line.  “Lots of fresh air, plenty of exercise. How are things in Chicago?” 

God, Benny’s voice.  Benny had the most mild and gentle of voices.  It was a voice that he loved.

He said “Well, you know, Benny, Chicago's Chicago.”

Ray cleared his throat.  His liquid courage instantly dried up, and Ray heard himself backpedal, wheedling.  “Listen, I'm just calling to let you know that I may not be there to pick you and the baby up when you get back.  I might get tied up in some things here, and uh…I might not be able to get away.” He had no idea what he was babbling about.

Ben sounded disappointed.  “Oh….Well that's no hardship. We can manage.  I know how to hail a cab, Ray.”

“I know you know how to get a cab, Benny. That's not the point. I'm just calling to let you know that I may not be there to pick you up, that’s all.”

“What’s wrong, Ray?”

Ray felt a stab through his heart.  Everything’s wrong, Benny.  Everything.  “Nothing’s wrong.  I'm just calling to let you know that I'd like to be there to pick you up but if I can't be there, it's not because I didn't want to be. It's because something came up.” Yeah, that was it. Something came up.

“You're sure everything's all right?”

Oh Benny. Don’t do this to me.  Don’t sound so concerned.  I won’t be able to go through with this. 

“Look, Benny, I’m just calling, that’s all. If a person is supposed to meet another person at a certain time and a certain place and he can't be there, he usually calls him to let him know.” 

“So everything is all right then?” 

“Yeah, Benny. Everything is all right.”

“Well, that's good to hear, Ray.”

“Listen, uh, I want you to have a safe trip, Benny. Kiss the baby for me, will ya?” 

There was a long silence.  So long that Ray started to wonder if he had lost the connection. 

“All right, Ray,” Ben finally answered him.  He could barely hear him.    

There was silence on the other end for a few seconds.  Ray closed his eyes and listened to Benny breathing.

Finally, Ray disconnected. 

“Shit!” he said, tossing the phone away.

Pearson looked at him questioningly.

“I’m such a coward.  Such a fuckin’ loser,” he said to the dog. He gulped down another shot.  His head began to spin. 

The movie ended with “How Deep Is Your Love?” playing over the closing credits.  The tape then rewound itself and he listened to the motor hum loudly.  It clicked back to the beginning once more, the machine turned itself off, and the TV went to loud static.  He turned the set off.  Ray thought of the time at his birthday party that Benny had played that for him on his guitar, and sang to him.  “Are you trying to make me cry, Benny?” he had asked him as he blinked back tears.

Raymond Vecchio sat in the dark for what felt like hours and bawled his eyes out. Finally, he gathered his wits, and pulled himself out of his stupor.

After an hour of deliberating, the note he left for Benny came down to two sentences.    

Benny,

I’m sorry, but I have to end this. Please don’t be mad at me.

Ray

In the morning, head hurting still, he packed his bags and some boxes.   

The note he left on his bedside table.  He removed his ring, loaded up his car with Pearson and his baggage, and eased away from the place like a thief in the night.

FINIS